LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question ... It's probably a bird.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The NHS cutbacks are really starting to show.

I went for my prostate exam today, and instead of lube the doctor spat on my arsehole.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What is it with women and periods.

Everything is your fault when she's having one, and it's your fault if she doesn't.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

For some reason I'm really struggling to sell my house at the moment.

I've done everything they've recommended...

Painted the walls black.
Painted the floors black.
Painted the ceiling black.
I'm even answering the door in a tin foil suit.

I was told to give the illusion of space.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

If it's true we all go to a better place when we die,
Where the fuck is Hugh Hefner gonna go?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

At my cousin's wedding last weekend, I got talking to a man who was wearing a kilt.

I said, "You've probably been asked this loads of times already, but can I ask you the traditional question?"

He grinned and replied, "Oh, go on then!"

I said, "Do you realise you look a complete fucking twat?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.

It was a ridiculously long name.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife keeps dropping hints about a sexy gift she wants.
"It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' .. and it fits snugly in there", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, "Where the fuck am I gonna find a didgeridoo?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Old one I know.....


Two men are shipwrecked and manage to make it onto an uncharted island where they are approached by a large group of cannibals who can amazingly speak English.

The cannibals tell them that they have a chance to live on this island without being eaten so long as they pass the "Ordeal of Fruit". The survivors accept the challenge with little pondering and the cannibals send the pair off to individually collect one hundred pieces of fruit each and then report back to them.

The first survivor returns with one hundred grapes and cannibals instruct him to shove each grape into his anus without wincing or laughing or he will be killed on the spot.

However just as the first grape reaches his butt hole he bursts out laughing.

The cannibals ask why he is laughing and he replies "I'm sorry, it's just that my friend is collecting pineapples!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex..

He's a small arms dealer.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I asked the doctor for something to improve my sex life.

He gave me Viagra.

If anything, a massive erection makes it harder to pull.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Why does the French flag have Velcro?

So the blue and red sections are easily removed during a time of war.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Schizophrenia - together I can beat it.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

How many Germans does it take to change a lighbulb?

One, they're efficient and they aren't very funny.