LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Q: What do you call a Spanish chick with no legs?

A: Cuntswaylow

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A judge enters the court room and starts the proceedings, saying: „Before this process starts in earnest, there is one thing I have to clear first. The plaintiff gave me £10,000 so I would rule in their favor. The defendant gave me £12,000 so I would rule in their favour. To make this case a fair one, I’m hereby returning £2,000 to the defendant.“

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat. The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Rehab is for quitters.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A shipment of Viagra was hijacked last week. Police are looking for two hardened criminals.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ‘Is this some kind of joke?’

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Fuck me I'm out of practice here, sorry for that lot, will try harder

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Before I got through to Seaworld, I had to say "Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!"
They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man walks into a bookshop and says "I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Resorting to old ones

A duck goes into a furniture store and says 'got any duck food?'
The guy at the counter says, 'sorry, we don't sell duck food'.
The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. 'Got any duck food?'
'Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. '
The duck walks out.
Next day, again, 'got any duck food?'
The guy says 'No! we don't sell duck food! and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. 'Got any nails? '
The guy says 'what?... no'.
'...got any duck food?'