The official joke thread

barnfield88 · Post by **barnfield88** » Thu Oct 02, 2008 1:12 pm

A spurs supporters coach is on its way back from an away match against Newcastle.

The coach crashes killing everone on board, what could possible be more sadder than news like this?

Empty seats

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Thu Oct 02, 2008 5:27 pm

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

Postman · Post by **Postman** » Thu Oct 02, 2008 6:06 pm

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it."

olgitgooner · Post by **olgitgooner** » Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:22 pm

Man gets a job as a trainee zookeeper.

First task was in the aquarium. He is told to feed the fish. And not to put his hand in the water. Fuckwit sticks his hand in the Piranha tank. Ouch! Pulls his hand out with a few Piranha still chewing on his fingers. Throws them on the floor and kills the bastards.

To hide the evidence, he throws them into the Lion enclosure. Where they are swiftly eaten.

Next task, feed the Chimpanzees. He is told not to put his hand into the cage. Fuckwit gets bitten by some Chimps. Kills the Chimps. Throws them into the Lion enclosure. Where they are swiftly eaten.

Next task, clean up around the insect section. He is told not to touch the beehive. Fuckwit knocks the beehive over. Bees all get crushed to death. Throws the beehive into the Lion enclosure.

Next day, a new Lion arrives in the Lion enclosure.

He asks the other Lions about his new home.

One of the Lions tells him........"The food is very good, here. Yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees".

Post by **SPUDMASHER** » Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:24 pm

olgitgooner · Post by **olgitgooner** » Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:27 pm

SPUDMASHER wrote:

Some of my jokes are even WORSE than that one!

ds · Post by ds » Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:47 pm

Whats the difference between a spurs fan and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 7:08 am

olgitgooner wrote:Man gets a job as a trainee zookeeper.

First task was in the aquarium. He is told to feed the fish. And not to put his hand in the water. Fuckwit sticks his hand in the Piranha tank. Ouch! Pulls his hand out with a few Piranha still chewing on his fingers. Throws them on the floor and kills the bastards.

To hide the evidence, he throws them into the Lion enclosure. Where they are swiftly eaten.

Next task, feed the Chimpanzees. He is told not to put his hand into the cage. Fuckwit gets bitten by some Chimps. Kills the Chimps. Throws them into the Lion enclosure. Where they are swiftly eaten.

Next task, clean up around the insect section. He is told not to touch the beehive. Fuckwit knocks the beehive over. Bees all get crushed to death. Throws the beehive into the Lion enclosure.

Next day, a new Lion arrives in the Lion enclosure.

He asks the other Lions about his new home.

One of the Lions tells him........"The food is very good, here. Yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees".

I like that one!

Postman · Post by **Postman** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 8:46 am

An Irishman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Irishman shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta sÃ© lan de chac bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowsh!t.)
The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you". The Irishman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

augie · Post by **augie** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 9:11 am

Postman wrote:An Irishman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Irishman shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta sÃ© lan de chac bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowsh!t.)
The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you". The Irishman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:38 am

Postman wrote:An Irishman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Irishman shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta sÃ© lan de chac bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowsh!t.)
The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you". The Irishman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

An oldie but an absolute goldie!

gus ceasar is a legend · Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:39 am

Racist bastards!

Post by **SPUDMASHER** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:41 am

gus ceasar is a legend wrote:Racist bastards!

Fucking pikey, mick racists at that Gus. Bastardholes, the lot of 'em

gus ceasar is a legend · Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:43 am

I was thinking that!

Carry on abusing us like that and I won't let one of them tarmac my drive or sell me lucky white heather again!

Post by **SPUDMASHER** » Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:44 am

gus ceasar is a legend wrote:I was thinking that!

Carry on abusing us like that and I won't let one of them tarmac my drive or sell me lucky white heather again!

Any one would think they built our fucking country the way they carry on

All they ever built was a big iron ship and that fucker sunk the first time it hit the water. Useless bastards