A few jokes

Chunky The Gooner · Post by **Chunky The Gooner** » Sun Nov 25, 2007 11:35 am

Little Patrick asked for a bike for his birthday. His Dad said " We'd get you a bike son but our mortgage is Â£80,000 and your mum has just lost her job" . Next day Patrick is walking out with his suitcase. His Dad asks " Where are you going son?" Patrick replied " I walked past your room last night and I heard you tell Mum you were pulling out , Then I heard her tell you to wait as she was coming too. Im not staying here on my own with an Â£80,000 mortgage and no fucking bike"

Drone · Post by **Drone** » Sun Nov 25, 2007 12:57 pm

rebel gooner wrote:q) whats the difference between a mosquito and a woman

a) the mosquito stops sucking after you slap it

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

southampton gooner · Post by **southampton gooner** » Sun Nov 25, 2007 6:42 pm

Woman takes young innocent boy home 4 sex & wants a 69. Boy asks whatâ€™s that? woman says â€œyou put your head between my legs and I do the same to you". When doing it she accidentally farts. She says sorry , lets try again. She farts again. He gets up and starts to walk away â€œwhat are you doing she says?â€

southampton gooner · Post by **southampton gooner** » Sun Nov 25, 2007 6:45 pm

Woman takes young innocent boy home 4 sex & wants a 69. Boy asks whatâ€™s that? woman says â€œyou put your head between my legs and I do the same to you". When doing it she accidentally farts. She says sorry , lets try again. She farts again. He gets up and starts to walk away â€œwhat are you doing she says?â€

Galasso · Post by **Galasso** » Sun Nov 25, 2007 6:45 pm

[quote="southampton gooner"]Woman takes young innocent boy home 4 sex & wants a 69. Boy asks whatâ€™s that? woman says â€œyou put your head between my legs and I do the same to you". When doing it she accidentally farts. She says sorry , lets try again. She farts again. He gets up and starts to walk away â€œwhat are you doing she says?â€

southampton gooner · Post by **southampton gooner** » Sun Nov 25, 2007 6:52 pm

A scouser is sat in a bar when a gay guy walks in and starts to eye him up. After a few beers the gay bloke plucks up the courage to speak to the scouser. â€œDo you fancy a blow job?â€

stearmaster · Post by **stearmaster** » Sun Nov 25, 2007 7:20 pm

aa englishman gose to have sex with his chineese girlfriend, she asks him what would you like, he says 69 please, she turns round and says i aint fukkin cookin this time of night

dbrien · Post by **dbrien** » Sun Nov 25, 2007 7:37 pm

A virgin is getting married and her mother warns her not to let her husband have sex 'the other way' when they are wed.

Once she has sex with the husband for the first time, she cant get enough of it, morning, noon and night. Eventually she thinks 'cor I like this and I want to even try it the 'other way'.

so one night she says to her husband, come on lets try it 'the other way' to which he replies, 'what and risk you getting pregnant, no way'

northbankdamien · Post by **northbankdamien** » Sun Nov 25, 2007 9:25 pm

This morning I received a phone call from an ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic.' Wow! I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now,' I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge.'

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby grey haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled, 'I've put on a few pounds myself.'

So I told her to fuck off.

Charlie! Charlie! · Post by **Charlie! Charlie!** » Mon Nov 26, 2007 8:11 am

northbankdamien wrote:This morning I received a phone call from an ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic.' Wow! I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now,' I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge.'

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby grey haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled, 'I've put on a few pounds myself.'

So I told her to fuck off.

LOVE IT!

Post by **REB** » Mon Nov 26, 2007 8:36 am

little wayno asks his dad for a tv for his bedroom
dad relucantly agrees
next day wayno comes downstairs and asks ,,
dad, whats lovejuice

dad looks horrified

and tells billy all about sex,

wayno sits there with his mouth open in amazement

dad says .. so what were you watching to ask that qustion

wayno says,, wimbledon

Post by **I Hate Hleb** » Mon Nov 26, 2007 10:32 am

HEARD THIS ABOUT A YEAR AGO SO I'LL PROBABLY GET IT A BIT WRONG, BUT HERE GOES:

A MEDIEVAL KING WAS ON THE BATTLEFIELD WITH HIS TROOPS WHEN HE SEES ONE OF THE OPPOSITION SOLDIERS ON A HILL A FEW HUNDRED YARDS AWAY.

THE ENEMY SOLIDER WAS TAUNTING THE KING AND HIS TROOPS BY CALLING THEM NAMES, SO THE KING SENDS A FEW OF HIS INFANTRY MEN TO TRY AND CAPTURE HIM.

AN HOUR GOES PAST AND THERE IS NO SIGN OF THE KING'S INFANTRY. INSTEAD, THE RIVAL SOLDIER POPS HIS HEAD UP AGAIN AND STARTS SHOUTING EVEN MORE GRATUITOUS INSULTS.

THE KING IS OUTRAGED BY THIS AND DECIDES TO SEND A HUNDRED MORE OF HIS MEN TO DEAL WITH THIS UPSTART. AFTER A COUPLE OF HOURS HE HAS HEARD NO NEWS, UNTIL THIS CHARACTER POPS UP AGAIN ON THE HILL TO GIVE THE KING MORE GRIEF: "IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT? I TOLD YOU THAT YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF PUSSIES!"

BY THIS TIME THE KING HAS HAD ENOUGH OF THIS INSOLENCE AND SENDS 1,000 OF HIS BEST MEN TO FINALLY PUT A STOP TO THIS OUTRAGE.

ONE HOUR GOES BY; THEN TWO; THEN THREE, UNTIL FINALLY HE SEES ONE OF HIS TOP BOYS RETURNING ON HIS HORSE, LOOKING BATTERED, BRUISED AND BLEEDING PROFUSELY.

THE KING IS SHOCKED AND UPSET BY THIS SIGHT AND ASKS HIS MAN TO TELL HIM WHAT HAPPENED. THE SOLDIER SHOUTS OUT:"SIRE, SIRE, IT'S ALL A TRAP!! IT'S NOT JUST ONE MAN. THERE ARE TWO OF THEM!!"

Wayno · Post by **Wayno** » Mon Nov 26, 2007 12:28 pm

Wayno · Post by **Wayno** » Mon Nov 26, 2007 12:30 pm

Charlie! Charlie! · Post by **Charlie! Charlie!** » Mon Nov 26, 2007 12:33 pm

Blinding Wayno