The Gooner Forum

StuartL wrote:Anybody onhere been through it recently and got any good advice that they can pass on ??

Cheers

Sorry to hear your probs Stu cant help you with advice though

Sorry to hear that Stuart.

I'm divorced and it's not easy.
As others have said try to agree on the ''assets'' and financial arrangements between you as Lawyers will just milk you. If you can agree on all this it will make it much easier.

Am not sure whether there are kids involved but if there are this will effect them as much as you and your wife. Anything you can do to help them thru this is good as its human nature to blame other people for their woes in life so you need to be careful in how you handle them. If they see you and your ex being reasonable with each other it will help but if they see conflict it will effect them worse.

Don't be afraid to talk to your friends and don't do what I did and withdraw into myself. Men need to talk too

Keep the chin up Stuart

Goose wrote:

StuartL wrote:Anybody onhere been through it recently and got any good advice that they can pass on ??

Cheers

Don't use Ray Parlours lawyer.

Ouch!.

Seriously though.

It happened to me 4 years ago...I'm still recovering from the emotional side of it all...BUT, what I will say is as much as the 'Emotional Entanglement' can take its toll more on one partner than the other.....I got dumped...and was in such a state I didn't really 'Take what was due to me'...some way down the road I do regret that....

So as much as this is going to hurt and Fuck (I'm sorry to say) it WILL....try and be 'Business minded' about it...it's also the children that get really damaged - no matter how 'Fair and Civilised' you may try to be, in the end you have Stand Up For What Is Right.....it's a very delicate balance..and the blame Game Really Does NOT work.

Same as what Olgit said...I'm happy to help (if I can!?) just PM me...confidentially of course.

I wish You well.

Vinny1967 wrote:Sorry to hear that Stuart.

I'm divorced and it's not easy.
As others have said try to agree on the ''assets'' and financial arrangements between you as Lawyers will just milk you. If you can agree on all this it will make it much easier.

Am not sure whether there are kids involved but if there are this will effect them as much as you and your wife. Anything you can do to help them thru this is good as its human nature to blame other people for their woes in life so you need to be careful in how you handle them. If they see you and your ex being reasonable with each other it will help but if they see conflict it will effect them worse.

Don't be afraid to talk to your friends and don't do what I did and withdraw into myself. Men need to talk too

Keep the chin up Stuart

^^^^^^ THIS^^^^^^ Well said Vinny

OneBardGooner wrote:

Goose wrote:

StuartL wrote:Anybody onhere been through it recently and got any good advice that they can pass on ??

Cheers

Don't use Ray Parlours lawyer.

Ouch!.

Seriously though.

It happened to me 4 years ago...I'm still recovering from the emotional side of it all...BUT, what I will say is as much as the 'Emotional Entanglement' can take its toll more on one partner than the other.....I got dumped...and was in such a state I didn't really 'Take what was due to me'...some way down the road I do regret that....

So as much as this is going to hurt and Fuck (I'm sorry to say) it WILL....try and be 'Business minded' about it...it's also the children that get really damaged - no matter how 'Fair and Civilised' you may try to be, in the end you have Stand Up For What Is Right.....it's a very delicate balance..and the blame Game Really Does NOT work.

Same as what Olgit said...I'm happy to help (if I can!?) just PM me...confidentially of course.

I wish You well.

Well Said.............It will hurt Stuart , be under no illusion.

I bottled it all up and Bard and fuck me all I was doing was putting off the inevitable. The body can only take so much and we need to let it out. Don't be afraid to talk to people Stuart and I admire you for putting up this thread.


Stuart the offer is here as well. If you want to PM me confidentially you are most welcome to.

Pay for her to go missing, probably a lot cheaper in the long run.

Firstly, thanks for advice given and offers of pm's etc.

There are 2 children involved who I adore and I really don't know what I will do not seeing them every day although I should still see a fair bit of them at weekends.

I am movng into rented accomodation, a mile or 2 away, while she remains at the marital home with the children.

Obviously I am keen to sort things out amicably for the childen sake and also to avoid the lawyers getting richer, but after initially considering walking away with my few meagre possesions, think that I will hold out for my share of the equity in the property - seeing as my previous house equity was used to purchase it and It has always been me that pays the mortgage (in joint names) along with all the household bills.

I used to be the type that bottled my emotions up and not talk - even to close friends about stuff, but I have become much better over the last 3 years in letting it out.

Anyway I move out Wed next week, so may have a lot of spare time on my hands in the evenings after work (when I am not cooking, washing, hoovering, ironing etc, etc )

Thanks again all

StuartL wrote:Firstly, thanks for advice given and offers of pm's etc.

There are 2 children involved who I adore and I really don't know what I will do not seeing them every day although I should still see a fair bit of them at weekends.

I am movng into rented accomodation, a mile or 2 away, while she remains at the marital home with the children.

Obviously I am keen to sort things out amicably for the childen sake and also to avoid the lawyers getting richer, but after initially considering walking away with my few meagre possesions, think that I will hold out for my share of the equity in the property - seeing as my previous house equity was used to purchase it and It has always been me that pays the mortgage (in joint names) along with all the household bills.

I used to be the type that bottled my emotions up and not talk - even to close friends about stuff, but I have become much better over the last 3 years in letting it out.

Anyway I move out Wed next week, so may have a lot of spare time on my hands in the evenings after work (when I am not cooking, washing, hoovering, ironing etc, etc )

Thanks again all

I know the hell of that - and you just have to do all you can to stay in touch with them and be there for them as much as they need, it will be awful for everyone - I wish I could say otherwise, but it is more like a marathon than a sprint, so although they may not understand and say so initially, when they do understand - and know you are there for them 100% any time - they will appreciate and love you all the more.

It's those times when we have 'time' on our hands and the old mind chatter starts - I would recommend :

Stay away from too much Booze and deffo No Drugs
Take up some evening courses or new hobbies, keep your self busy - there'll be enough time for the grieving process...they say time is a healer and it's True mate.

Keep The Faith.

OneBardGooner wrote:

StuartL wrote:Firstly, thanks for advice given and offers of pm's etc.

There are 2 children involved who I adore and I really don't know what I will do not seeing them every day although I should still see a fair bit of them at weekends.

I am movng into rented accomodation, a mile or 2 away, while she remains at the marital home with the children.

Obviously I am keen to sort things out amicably for the childen sake and also to avoid the lawyers getting richer, but after initially considering walking away with my few meagre possesions, think that I will hold out for my share of the equity in the property - seeing as my previous house equity was used to purchase it and It has always been me that pays the mortgage (in joint names) along with all the household bills.

I used to be the type that bottled my emotions up and not talk - even to close friends about stuff, but I have become much better over the last 3 years in letting it out.

Anyway I move out Wed next week, so may have a lot of spare time on my hands in the evenings after work (when I am not cooking, washing, hoovering, ironing etc, etc )

Thanks again all

I know the hell of that - and you just have to do all you can to stay in touch with them and be there for them as much as they need, it will be awful for everyone - I wish I could say otherwise, but it is more like a marathon than a sprint, so although they may not understand and say so initially, when they do understand - and know you are there for them 100% any time - they will appreciate and love you all the more.

It's those times when we have 'time' on our hands and the old mind chatter starts - I would recommend :

Stay away from too much Booze and deffo No Drugs
Take up some evening courses or new hobbies, keep your self busy - there'll be enough time for the grieving process...they say time is a healer and it's True mate.

Keep The Faith.

I am not a big drinker so that will not be a problem, a like a pint or two but am happy to have shandy a go and see a band or play pool. Not into drugs either.

I have to work evenings most of the week, home about 7.30 /8.00, while I will still be doing the run to take my eldest daughter football training either Monday or Wednesday's. Weekends will be weird, having a lot of free time to do the food shop etc as I will have no grass to cut or hedges to trim

You should get yourself a woman

DB10GOONER wrote: As a very happily married man, I'm genuinely sorry to hear it went pear-shaped for you mate.

yeah, but is your husband that happy as well?

anyway sorry to hear about that stu, i still haven't made the stupid decision of getting married but as a son of a couple that got separated weeks before i was born, i can tell you that it can be hard on the kids, so i'd suggest to focus on them and how this could affect their personality, moral values, and all that. in the end it's the most important thing, and let me tell you because i've been through a lot of therapy - not having their parents together can mess with the kids' head, sometimes with things they'll only realize when they're adults.

hope you're ok mate.

Hope all works out Stuart. I don't know the feeling personally but have brothers who have been through this. Keep strong mate and please know(from what I've seen) it's always the kids that suffer, so please don't burn unnecesary bridges.

I wish all works out well and if you can work it out, please do. Remember she was the lady you had your heart set on not too(relatively) long ago.

Anyway, when I was younger, I remember driving behind this car that's bumper sticker read-

"Divorce is not the answer, it's the problem"....well it made a dumb-ass like me really think about these situations.

GL

brazilianGOONER wrote:

DB10GOONER wrote: As a very happily married man, I'm genuinely sorry to hear it went pear-shaped for you mate.

yeah, but is your husband that happy as well?

Little bollocks.

StuartL wrote:Firstly, thanks for advice given and offers of pm's etc.

There are 2 children involved who I adore and I really don't know what I will do not seeing them every day although I should still see a fair bit of them at weekends.

I am movng into rented accomodation, a mile or 2 away, while she remains at the marital home with the children.

Obviously I am keen to sort things out amicably for the childen sake and also to avoid the lawyers getting richer, but after initially considering walking away with my few meagre possesions, think that I will hold out for my share of the equity in the property - seeing as my previous house equity was used to purchase it and It has always been me that pays the mortgage (in joint names) along with all the household bills.

I used to be the type that bottled my emotions up and not talk - even to close friends about stuff, but I have become much better over the last 3 years in letting it out.

Anyway I move out Wed next week, so may have a lot of spare time on my hands in the evenings after work (when I am not cooking, washing, hoovering, ironing etc, etc )

Thanks again all

Just dropping in to say hope the move went well and things are looking up for you Stuart.

Cheers Vinny, move itself went fine. I didn't have a huge amount of stuff to take. (too much Arsenal programmes and Goon.er back issues tbh but I can always ebay them I guess ) I still have a lot of things to get - a settee, table and chairs, bookcase, phone and internet connections but I have the essentials and my girls have come and seen it and said they will be happy to stay there too.
Bit strange as we are away at the mo on holiday in Sherwood Forest a. holiday that I booked and paid for a few months ago - didn't want to cancel as it would be unfair on the kids and I have had a good few days doing archery, crossbow, swimming, badminton and walking the dog with them, so I have really enjoyed that.
I think I will cope better with my own company (tv, music, computer) than she will having to pick up the dog shit, cut tbe grass, make the kids school pack lunches, load and unload the dishwasher and clean the toilets and bathrooms.