JOKE OF THE DAY!!!
I'd like to apologise to anybody who I may have shocked earlier by my laughing at the above. I can only put it down to fatigue after staying up to watch every minute of the superbowl last night and I can assure you all that I will do my utmost to ensure that it doesnt happen again and I return to my old self straight away
-
I Hate Hleb
- Posts: 18632
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 3:36 pm
- Location: London
augie wrote:I'd like to apologise to anybody who I may have shocked earlier by my laughing at the above. I can only put it down to fatigue after staying up to watch every minute of the superbowl last night and I can assure you all that I will do my utmost to ensure that it doesnt happen again and I return to my old self straight away
AUGIE,
I THINK YOU FORGOT TO ADD THE WORD MISERABLE BEFORE THE WORDS 'OLD' AND 'SELF'!!
-
Red Gunner
- Posts: 5778
- Joined: Sun Nov 18, 2007 6:25 pm
- Location: London
-
stearmaster
- Posts: 5367
- Joined: Thu Feb 15, 2007 4:00 pm
- Location: ENFIELD, N.LONDON
I do like reading good jokes and this is a joke of sorts I think
Why do men die first?
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race ... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.
If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism. If she
gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... its male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't you're an insensitive doughnut.
If you make a decision without consulting her ...you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you don't you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers you're after something. If you don't you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements you're full of yourself. If you don't you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't there must be someone else.
Why to men die first? Because we want to.
Why do men die first?
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race ... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.
If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism. If she
gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... its male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't you're an insensitive doughnut.
If you make a decision without consulting her ...you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you don't you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers you're after something. If you don't you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements you're full of yourself. If you don't you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't there must be someone else.
Why to men die first? Because we want to.
-
Red Gunner
- Posts: 5778
- Joined: Sun Nov 18, 2007 6:25 pm
- Location: London
Brilliantaugie wrote:I do like reading good jokes and this is a joke of sorts I think
Why do men die first?
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race ... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.
If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism. If she
gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... its male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't you're an insensitive doughnut.
If you make a decision without consulting her ...you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you don't you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers you're after something. If you don't you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements you're full of yourself. If you don't you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't there must be someone else.
Why to men die first? Because we want to.
You should send more jokes on here. I liked the "dry" ending as well.-
I Hate Hleb
- Posts: 18632
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 3:36 pm
- Location: London
The story of Daddy's car.
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother: "Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."
At this point his mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table that evening, the mother asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother: "Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."
At this point his mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table that evening, the mother asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
-
northbankdamien
- Posts: 142
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 6:11 pm
Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to
have general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can
have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'
Little Paddy thinks, 'Whoo hooo! I'm bleedin' deadly at General
Knowledge.
This is gonna be sooo easy! '
Teacher: 'Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what our
country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"
Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher
looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front. "Yes, Farqhuar?"
Farqhuar (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F
Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we
will see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even more
determined.
Teacher: 'Who said."We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight
them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never
surrender?"
Little Paddy's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know.
I
know. Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks
Tarquin-Smythe,
sitting at the front: "Yes Tarquin?"
Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer
is
Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and
come
back to class on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he's
been
studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that
comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation
Teacher: '"Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind?'"
Little Paddy's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his
seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know.
Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee "
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes
Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English
accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon
landing."
Teacher: '"Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and
come
back into class on Tuesday."
Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his
wee
chair at the wall. He starts screaming "WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE
ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?"
Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: "Who said
that?"
Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Patrick
Pearse, GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss."
have general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can
have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'
Little Paddy thinks, 'Whoo hooo! I'm bleedin' deadly at General
Knowledge.
This is gonna be sooo easy! '
Teacher: 'Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what our
country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"
Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher
looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front. "Yes, Farqhuar?"
Farqhuar (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F
Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we
will see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even more
determined.
Teacher: 'Who said."We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight
them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never
surrender?"
Little Paddy's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know.
I
know. Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks
Tarquin-Smythe,
sitting at the front: "Yes Tarquin?"
Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer
is
Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and
come
back to class on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he's
been
studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that
comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation
Teacher: '"Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind?'"
Little Paddy's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his
seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know.
Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee "
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes
Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English
accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon
landing."
Teacher: '"Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and
come
back into class on Tuesday."
Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his
wee
chair at the wall. He starts screaming "WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE
ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?"
Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: "Who said
that?"
Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Patrick
Pearse, GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss."
Couple been living abroad want to come back but want to smuggle a bat and a skunk in without quarantine restrictions and they're trying to think up ways of doing it.
Woman to Man: Why dont you fold the bat's wings over one another and you could pretend it was a hanky in your top pocket.
Man to Woman: that's a great idea.
Man to Woman: Why dont you take the skunk and stick it down your nickers.
Woman to Man: thats a good idea, but what about the smell though?
Man to Woman: If it dies, it dies
Sorry, but the old ones like moi are the best
Woman to Man: Why dont you fold the bat's wings over one another and you could pretend it was a hanky in your top pocket.
Man to Woman: that's a great idea.
Man to Woman: Why dont you take the skunk and stick it down your nickers.
Woman to Man: thats a good idea, but what about the smell though?
Man to Woman: If it dies, it dies
Sorry, but the old ones like moi are the best
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
-
Graham Wilkinson
- Posts: 86
- Joined: Wed Mar 21, 2007 8:42 pm
- Location: North London
