LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Susan Boyle has released her autobiography.
'Fifty Shaves a Day'....

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife has just bought herself some Meatloaf knickers.On the front it says "I will do anything for love"On the back it says "But I won't do that"!!!!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I got caught wanking over the female athletes earlier

Mr Smith from Class 2B said I completely ruined sports day!!!!!

[Rugby Gooner]

We had a roll of Bubble Wrap delivered at work on Friday.The Boss told me to pop it in the corner of the office.....took me six fcuking hours!!!

[MegaGooner]

An 8-year-old choir boy caught the local priest masturbating.

"What are you doing father?" he asked.

"It's called masturbating, my son," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why's that father?" said the boy.

"Because my wrist is killing me," replied the priest.

[Top Londoner]

An 8-year-old choir boy caught the local priest masturbating.

"What are you doing father?" he asked.

"It's called masturbating, my son," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why's that father?" said the boy.

"Because my wrist is killing me," replied the priest.

Joke !!!!!
I always thought it was a way of life for Catholic priests?

[Rugby Gooner]

Two interesting facts about me:-
1) My knob is the same size as two Argos pens.
2) I am banned from Argos

[U.F.G Anfield '89]

Two interesting facts about me:-
1) My knob is the same size as two Argos pens.
2) I am banned from Argos

next to eachother or end to end?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Just competed in the paralympics blind masturbation championship.......fuck knows where I came!!!!!

[arseofacrow]

Just competed in the paralympics blind masturbation championship.......fuck knows where I came!!!!!

[OneBardGooner]

To all the above jokes and joke tellers:




Involuntary Muscle Contraction

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,

'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, '


Probably golfing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I stayed at the Ritz hotel in London & took a card from a phone box on Oxford St. offering "Sordid sex & other pleasures"Back at the Hotel I rang the number.A lady with a silky soft voice asked if she could be of any help.I said "I'd like a blow job, a straight shag, then doggie style, mild bondage, a few minutes of anal & finish off with a tit *****. Is that OK?"The lady replied, "Sounds like fun, Sir, but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together. I shit you knot!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

ALTERNATIVE NURSERY RHYMES


1 - Mary Mary quite contrary how does ur garden grow? I live in a flat u stupid twat, how the fuck wud I know!


2 - Jack an Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock cuz Jills a pre op tranny.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."