The Gooner Forum

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying
"I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note... After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone...
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like"
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...



"I can see your feet - We're outta bread: be back in five minutes"

A Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the Garda.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Dublin airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the Kerryman how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
“A tenner??But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"













"Because he's a lying cun=t. He's never been out of the garden!"

^^^

He'd have to be Barking to believe that!

Some bloke told me he was really struggling to come up with the opposite of the word 'subliminal'.

I said, 'FFS, mate, it's bloody obvious!'

Always the romantic, I went out and bought some crisp flavour condoms.

Got home and told the missus to get ready for some action.

'Mmm', she said,'cheese and onion?' '

'Hang on, I haven't put it on yet.'

Block93 wrote: ↑

Tue Feb 08, 2022 4:39 pm

Always the romantic, I went out and bought some crisp flavour condoms.

Got home and told the missus to get ready for some action.

'Mmm', she said,'cheese and onion?' '

'Hang on, I haven't put it on yet.'

I phoned the local council, and asked what precautions they had in place against a Dalek invasion.

They told me steps have been put in place.

Now that wearing masks is optional, I'm taking my cue from the staff of whichever store I'm shopping in. If most of them have masks on I'll wear one too.

If most of them aren't, I don't bother.

For example, I was in a massive LIDL superstore this morning.

Only one solitary member of staff was wearing a mask.

The other bloke wasn't wearing one, so neither did I.

I can’t quite believe I’ve been cured of my kleptomania.

I have to keep pinching myself.

My 12 year old niece is a proper little madam.

She's running a team of eight prostitutes already.

"Ladies and gents."

That concludes our tour of the toilets.

Quite surprised that the Gypos can't take a joke.

They take everything else they can get their hands on.

A German nurse is accused of replacing 2500 Covid vaccination doses with saline.

Health officials believe she could be responsible for another wave.

Me: I’m sorry for writing fake dialogue of us on Facebook.

Wife: *spoon feeding me caviar* Well at least you have a big dick.