The Gooner Forum

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

"Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"

"Well, why don't you ask your sister?"

"But I don't have a..."

My friend is in a wheelchair, so I gave him a chainsaw, wrapped him in tinfoil and sent him on Robot Wars.

But seriously - he's dead now.

If size doesn't matter......how come my girlfriend's vibrator isn't three inches and crooked?

I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"

She said, "Yes, sir."

So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"

Boomerangs.

Frisbees for ginger people.

How do deaf people know if someone is screaming or yawning?

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deep throat blow job today.

"Really!?"

"No," she replied, "April Fogarbnsrgabsjg...."

That'll teach her to try to be funny...

I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me 2 mongooses."

I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongeese."

Nope, that still didn't sound right;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongi."

Ahh fuck it I thought,

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.

P.S. Send me another one."

Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

"One lady owner."

So the clutch is fucked then.

As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.

"I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside." I said.

Again, he shouted back.

"I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room." I replied.

A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.

"Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes!!"

This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deep throat blow job today.

"Really!?"

"No," she replied, "April Fogarbnsrgabsjg...."

That'll teach her to try to be funny...

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:Boomerangs.

Frisbees for ginger people.

Poor poor lonely OneGinge...