Official Weekly Joke Thread

pixie · Post by **pixie** » Fri Jun 19, 2009 10:44 pm

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden

pixie · Post by **pixie** » Sat Jun 20, 2009 11:37 pm

Newcastle Utd: past, present and future:

"I think we'll get into Europe"
"We'll settle for mid table"
"We're too good to go down"
"If we go down we'll come straight back up"
"We're going down"
"We'll come straight back up"
"I think we'll win the Championship"
"I think we'll qualify automatically"
"I think we'll make the play-offs"
"Shit"

Post by **g88ner** » Sun Jun 21, 2009 1:04 am

pixie wrote:This simple maths test can predict your all time favorite movie. I got the Godfather when i did it. try it without looking at the list. It really does work!!!.

Pick a number from 1-9, then multiply it by 3. Then add 3. Then multiply it by 3 again. Finally add up the 2 digits together and you will find your all time favorite movie, which will be one of the following:

1.Titanic
2.The Godfather
3.Jaws
4.Shawshank redemption
5.Aliens
6.Star Wars
7.Forest gump
8.Saving Private Ryan
9. Leather clad rent boys fucking each other in the shit hole
10.Grease

I like that!

(I mean I like the joke!... NOT Leather clad rent boys fucking each other in the shit hole

)

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 10:02 am

g88ner wrote:
pixie wrote:This simple maths test can predict your all time favorite movie. I got the Godfather when i did it. try it without looking at the list. It really does work!!!.

Pick a number from 1-9, then multiply it by 3. Then add 3. Then multiply it by 3 again. Finally add up the 2 digits together and you will find your all time favorite movie, which will be one of the following:

1.Titanic
2.The Godfather
3.Jaws
4.Shawshank redemption
5.Aliens
6.Star Wars
7.Forest gump
8.Saving Private Ryan
9. Leather clad rent boys fucking each other in the shit hole
10.Grease
I like that!

(I mean I like the joke!... NOT Leather clad rent boys fucking each other in the shit hole )

(From the South Park movie) As Satan said to Saddam Hussein as he porked him in the gicker;

"Yeah, you like that - don't you, bitch?"

The fact that movie didn't win an Oscar is a travesty...

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 10:03 am

Irish Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, young Paddy Murphy?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Paddy, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Brown?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Margaret Doyle?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Anne O' Neil?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Paddy, and I admire that But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Paddy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 Months holiday and five good leads'.

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 10:04 am

At age 4 success is . . . . Not pissing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license..
At age 35 success is . . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not pissing in your pants.

Number 5 · Post by **Number 5** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 10:19 am

DB10GOONER wrote:
(From the South Park movie) As Satan said to Saddam Hussein as he porked him in the gicker;

"Yeah, you like that - don't you, bitch?"

The fact that movie didn't win an Oscar is a travesty...

It came bloody close though, they were nominated for best soundtrack or song, something like that I think.

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 11:14 am

Number 5 wrote:
DB10GOONER wrote:
(From the South Park movie) As Satan said to Saddam Hussein as he porked him in the gicker;

"Yeah, you like that - don't you, bitch?"

The fact that movie didn't win an Oscar is a travesty...
It came bloody close though, they were nominated for best soundtrack or song, something like that I think.

Yeah I seem to recall that...

Should have got "Best Film" and "Best Actor" for Cartman.

pixie · Post by **pixie** » Tue Jun 23, 2009 12:59 am

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

The bartender said, "That should make you happy."

The man sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the month is up today!"

pixie · Post by **pixie** » Tue Jun 23, 2009 1:14 am

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didnâ€™t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Tue Jun 23, 2009 7:22 am

pixie wrote:I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didnâ€™t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again

Quality.

Number 5 · Post by **Number 5** » Tue Jun 23, 2009 10:42 am

DB10GOONER wrote:
Number 5 wrote:
DB10GOONER wrote:
(From the South Park movie) As Satan said to Saddam Hussein as he porked him in the gicker;

"Yeah, you like that - don't you, bitch?"

The fact that movie didn't win an Oscar is a travesty...
It came bloody close though, they were nominated for best soundtrack or song, something like that I think.
Yeah I seem to recall that...

Should have got "Best Film" and "Best Actor" for Cartman.

Blame Canada was up for the award, but really this one should have been.

Shut your fuckin' face uncle fucka.
You're a cock-sucking, ass-licking uncle fucka.
You're an uncle fucka, yes its true,
nobody fucks uncles quite like you.

Shut your fuckin' face uncle fucka.
You're the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka.
You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn.
You just fuck your uncle all day long!

Uncle fucka, uncle fucka uncle fucka, uncle fucka...
Shut your fuckin' face uncle fucka. (uncle fucka)

You're a boner-biting bastard uncle fucka.
You're an uncle fucka, I must say! You fucked your uncle yesterday!
Uncle fucka, thats U.N.C.L.E, fuck you, uncle fucka-a-a-a-a...tonight! Suckmyballs.

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Tue Jun 23, 2009 10:47 am

And they say Bob Dylan writes great lyrics? Pah!

BRAZILLIANT 19 · Post by **BRAZILLIANT 19** » Tue Jun 23, 2009 10:56 am

Number 5 wrote:
DB10GOONER wrote:
Number 5 wrote:
DB10GOONER wrote:
(From the South Park movie) As Satan said to Saddam Hussein as he porked him in the gicker;

"Yeah, you like that - don't you, bitch?"

The fact that movie didn't win an Oscar is a travesty...
It came bloody close though, they were nominated for best soundtrack or song, something like that I think.
Yeah I seem to recall that...

Should have got "Best Film" and "Best Actor" for Cartman.
Blame Canada was up for the award, but really this one should have been.

Shut your fuckin' face uncle fucka.
You're a cock-sucking, ass-licking uncle fucka.
You're an uncle fucka, yes its true,
nobody fucks uncles quite like you.

Shut your fuckin' face uncle fucka.
You're the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka.
You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn.
You just fuck your uncle all day long!

Uncle fucka, uncle fucka uncle fucka, uncle fucka...
Shut your fuckin' face uncle fucka. (uncle fucka)

You're a boner-biting bastard uncle fucka.
You're an uncle fucka, I must say! You fucked your uncle yesterday!
Uncle fucka, thats U.N.C.L.E, fuck you, uncle fucka-a-a-a-a...tonight! Suckmyballs.

At last,somebody comes up with the perfect replacement for " Wonder of You"

Post by **SPUDMASHER** » Tue Jun 23, 2009 10:57 am

I've got that as a ringtone somewhere in the depths of my phone