Joke time

[MegaGooner]

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you c*#t!'

What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
The reply from his friend......'You're so f#*king lucky...Mine's still alive...'

2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My wife's an epileptic'

[Goose]

Wife says to husband "Shall I slip into something that will make you smile?"

Husband replies "What like? A coma!"

[Postman]

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,

"Paint my house."

[franksav63]

An Irishman, Aussie and a Scouser in a bar when they spot Jesus sat on his own.

They each send him up a drink and Jesus sups each pint slowly.

When he’s finished he walks over to Paddy, shakes his hand and thanks him for the Guinness…. Blimey!!! Sez the Irishman ‘’my arthritis has gone!!!’’..

Jesus then thanks Bruce for the Fosters, and shakes his hand ‘’Crikey!! He ses ‘’me bad backs cured!!!’’

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who starts legging it shouting ‘’FUCK OFF U *word censored*, I’M ON DISABILITY!!!!!!’

[I Hate Hleb]

Quality!!!!

[OneBardGooner]

Those 3D televisions are so realistic, I fell asleep watching a liverpool game the other night, and when I woke up I'd been robbed.

[OneBardGooner]

An Irishman, Aussie and a Scouser in a bar when they spot Jesus sat on his own.

They each send him up a drink and Jesus sups each pint slowly.

When he’s finished he walks over to Paddy, shakes his hand and thanks him for the Guinness…. Blimey!!! Sez the Irishman ‘’my arthritis has gone!!!’’..

Jesus then thanks Bruce for the Fosters, and shakes his hand ‘’Crikey!! He ses ‘’me bad backs cured!!!’’

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who starts legging it shouting ‘’FUCK OFF U c**t, I’M ON DISABILITY!!!!!!’

NIce One frank

[franksav63]

I went to a fortune teller last week.

She studied my hand and said ‘’You’ve been masturbating alot’’

I said ‘’Hey, you’re good! Can you tell me anything about my future?’’

She looked at my face and said

‘’You’ll be doing it for a fucking long time!!!!!’’

[OneBardGooner]

A bloke goes out along a well know hang out for hooker's hoping to get some action, but only has a £10......

He goes from hooker to hooker holding out the £10 note saying 'I really like doing well kinky stuff!" of course they all turn him down....he's been there for about 3 hours and it's gettign colder and colder as the night wears on.....till it's late and deserted...it then starts to pour down with rain......just as he decides to head for home....a car pulls up on the opposite side of the road and a hooker having just finished with her client gets out of the car....and it pulls away...

The bloke runs over to her and says

"Look you're my last hope...I've only got a £10, and I like really stuff!....
the young hooker looks at the £10 note , then at her watch and says 'Oh! okay, as long as it doesn't involve pain you can be my last one of the night!'

No! No Pain he says enthusiastically...and so they head off back to her place...when they get there, she takes off her coat and say's 'Okay what do you want me to do....?'

The bloke replies: "I want yo to go in the bathroom and take all your clothes off very slowly whilst whistling very loudly then run in here and shout out! Taaa Raaaaa! throwing your arms wide open!

She looks somewhat puzzed, but agree's ...she goes into the bathroom and through the opening in the door he can see her shadow as she slowly undresses whilst whistling very loudly,,,,,then as she removes the last garment - she runs into the bedroom and shouts!

"Taaaa Raaaa!"

He is just doing up his flies and says "Thanks that was Great!" and hands her the £10....

She looks at him totally confused now, and says 'But hold on, you haven't done anything!'











He replies



"You Wanna Bet, I just shit in your handbag!"

[franksav63]

That's funny OBG....

[merson_is_god]

An Irishman, Aussie and a Scouser in a bar when they spot Jesus sat on his own.

They each send him up a drink and Jesus sups each pint slowly.

When he’s finished he walks over to Paddy, shakes his hand and thanks him for the Guinness…. Blimey!!! Sez the Irishman ‘’my arthritis has gone!!!’’..

Jesus then thanks Bruce for the Fosters, and shakes his hand ‘’Crikey!! He ses ‘’me bad backs cured!!!’’

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who starts legging it shouting ‘’FUCK OFF U c**t, I’M ON DISABILITY!!!!!!’

thats brilliant!

[merson_is_god]

Whats the diference beetwen Oral and Anal sex????

oral sex is usually cheaper...

hahahaha!

[Postman]

THE SCOUSER AND THE GAY MAN


At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool sat a scouser. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the Scouser.

Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the **** out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Scouser, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the Scouser replied. "Something about a job."

[SWLGooner]

THE SCOUSER AND THE GAY MAN


At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool sat a scouser. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the Scouser.

Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the **** out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Scouser, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the Scouser replied. "Something about a job."

[OneBardGooner]

THE SCOUSER AND THE GAY MAN


At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool sat a scouser. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the Scouser.

Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the **** out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Scouser, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the Scouser replied. "Something about a job."