Joke time

goonersid · Post by **goonersid** » Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:47 am

Ad in the Rothbury gazette dating page.
Hi I'm a sexy blonde 19 year old looking for some fun, my Mr right should be a big strong ginger man, with a fiery temper and a very jealous nature, as well as enjoying writing long letters and have a love of guns and camping.
If this sounds like you, then you could be the one.

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Tue Jul 13, 2010 7:42 am

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Post by **I Hate Hleb** » Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:31 am

That cracked me up man!!!

I was imagining the scene as I was reading every word leading to what I thought was it's inevitable erotic climax and then POW!!!!!!

merson_is_god · Post by **merson_is_god** » Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:43 am

DB10GOONER wrote:A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

BRILLIANT!!!

Post by **brazilianGOONER** » Tue Jul 13, 2010 12:05 pm

I Hate Hleb wrote:

That cracked me up man!!! I was imagining the scene as I was reading every word leading to what I thought was it's inevitable erotic climax and then POW!!!!!!

exactly that

merson_is_god · Post by **merson_is_god** » Tue Jul 13, 2010 6:34 pm

brazilianGOONER wrote:
I Hate Hleb wrote:

That cracked me up man!!! I was imagining the scene as I was reading every word leading to what I thought was it's inevitable erotic climax and then POW!!!!!!
exactly that

Sounds a bit racey your response there mate!

Post by **brazilianGOONER** » Tue Jul 13, 2010 7:12 pm

merson_is_god wrote:
brazilianGOONER wrote:
I Hate Hleb wrote:

That cracked me up man!!! I was imagining the scene as I was reading every word leading to what I thought was it's inevitable erotic climax and then POW!!!!!!
exactly that
Sounds a bit racey your response there mate!

errm, how come?

RoscommonGooner · Post by **RoscommonGooner** » Thu Jul 15, 2010 3:33 pm

Out golfing one day

An Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any, "she replied. The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet Mudder, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

Eboue-Why? · Post by **Eboue-Why?** » Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:22 pm

Very sad news I'm afraid. The owner of Odeon Cinemas passed away today. His funeral will be on Friday at 2.00pm, 4.15pm. 6.30pm and 9.00pm

Charlie! Charlie! · Post by **Charlie! Charlie!** » Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:54 pm

My girlfriend is a dirty little minx.When I cum in her mouth, she likes to gargle with it then let it dribble out of her mouth.She may be retarded and unable to speak or move, but I'm sure she is enjoying herself.

merson_is_god · Post by **merson_is_god** » Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:57 pm

RoscommonGooner wrote:Out golfing one day

An Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any, "she replied. The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet Mudder, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

EUGH VISIONS NOW OF A HORRIBLY HAIRY WOMAN!!!

Charlie! Charlie! · Post by **Charlie! Charlie!** » Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:57 pm

Eboue-Why? wrote:Very sad news I'm afraid. The owner of Odeon Cinemas passed away today. His funeral will be on Friday at 2.00pm, 4.15pm. 6.30pm and 9.00pm

Ha ha, similar to the One about Larry laprise who invented the hokey cokey died recently aged 93 - all was going well until they went to put him in the coffin, they put his left leg in and it all went tits up.

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Fri Jul 16, 2010 6:47 am

Charlie! Charlie! wrote:My girlfriend is a dirty little minx.When I cum in her mouth, she likes to gargle with it then let it dribble out of her mouth.She may be retarded and unable to speak or move, but I'm sure she is enjoying herself.

And;

I up the ante with this one texted to me by one of our very own members on here;

Got caught bashing one out while sniffing my mateâ€™s sister's knickers yesterday. Wouldnâ€™t have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time. My mate went ballistic! Made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both of us.

Eboue-Why? · Post by **Eboue-Why?** » Fri Jul 16, 2010 10:15 am

DB10GOONER wrote:
Charlie! Charlie! wrote:My girlfriend is a dirty little minx.When I cum in her mouth, she likes to gargle with it then let it dribble out of her mouth.She may be retarded and unable to speak or move, but I'm sure she is enjoying herself.

And;

I up the ante with this one texted to me by one of our very own members on here;

Got caught bashing one out while sniffing my mateâ€™s sister's knickers yesterday. Wouldnâ€™t have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time. My mate went ballistic! Made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both of us.

Go to the top of the class sir!!

Bradywasking · Post by **Bradywasking** » Fri Jul 16, 2010 11:07 am

My wife was knocked down by a car this morning...I thought "my God that could have been me" ..Then I thought " no it couldn't, I don't drive"

Tried a new machine in the gym yesterday...felt a bit sick after using it, maybe overdone it for the first time using it...the machine contained Mars Bars, Crisps , Sweets etc.

Post Office have withdrawn plans to release a special stamp to commerate the 50th Anniversary of Tottenham Hotspur winning the League. A Post Office spokesperson said "how would people know which side to spit on ?"