LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[Top Londoner]

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deep throat blow job today.

"Really!?"

"No," she replied, "April Fogarbnsrgabsjg...."

That'll teach her to try to be funny...

Fucking quality

[brazilianGOONER]

[flash gunner]

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Tony Blackburn was invited to a pool party. When he turned up he had Jimmy Saville and Gary Glitter with him. The party host said to Tony, "You deaf cu nt Blackburn, I said bring a pair of Speedos!!!!!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I honestly think my wife should have come with a manual.

Then I'd have something to hit her with.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A teacher asks his pupils, "Can anyone tell me the difference between constructive criticism and unnecessary nastiness?"

Little Johnny puts his hand up.

"One is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others, usually involving both positive and negative comments."

"Very good, Johnny," says the teacher. "And the other?"

"Your mum's a *word censored*."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Tesco - It's the little things that make Christmas.

Yeah, Vietnamese kids in sweat shops.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'll never forget the last thing my wife said to me when she died last week - "See you in heaven darling."

Since then I've raped 5 women, murdered my boss and set the local orphanage on fire.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

After Helen Flanagan's trial in a room with an ostrich, Ant and Dec asked how it felt to come face to face with a strange looking bird with a tiny brain.

"Fucking terrifying" replied the ostrich.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Wife was lying on her belly when I got to bed last night. I said, "Roll onto your back."
She said, "Fucked if I will."
I replied, "Buggered if you won't!"

[DB10GOONER]

Wife was lying on her belly when I got to bed last night. I said, "Roll onto your back."
She said, "Fucked if I will."
I replied, "Buggered if you won't!"

[skizz_b]

Wife was lying on her belly when I got to bed last night. I said, "Roll onto your back."
She said, "Fucked if I will."
I replied, "Buggered if you won't!"

[Top Londoner]

My wife moaned that I love Arsenal more than I love her.
I told her that I love 5pur2 more than I love her.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was furious when I discovered my wife had set up a website to help the victims of domestic violence.

She got 200 hits in the first hour.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Last night, some bouncer punched my girlfriend for no reason.
I didn't want to be remembered as being a coward, so I punched her even harder.