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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2024 6:21 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
What's the Difference between Red & Green?
Fuck all apparently if you’re on a bike.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2024 6:22 pm
by DB10GOONER
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Sat Apr 20, 2024 6:20 pm
I was in the kitchen when a flying insect came through the window and exploded. I think it was a jihaddy longlegs.
:lol: :lol:

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2024 6:22 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2024 6:22 pm
by DB10GOONER
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Sat Apr 20, 2024 6:20 pm
The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.
"How is she?" I asked. "Very critical," replied the officer. "What's she fucking complaining about now?" I said.
:coffeespit:

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2024 6:25 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
I've been paying £2 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year.

I missed 2 payments and they've just been round and broken my cat’s legs.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Sun Apr 21, 2024 8:21 am
by Block93
DB10GOONER wrote:
Thu Apr 18, 2024 9:35 am
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Wed Apr 17, 2024 4:45 pm
New research shows porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
:lol: :lol:
Not sure that it accurately reflects the everyday duties within the Nursing profession either.


(PS Some absolute corkers in this thread of late!!)

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Sun Apr 21, 2024 9:53 am
by Midz
:D :D :D The cats

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Mon Apr 22, 2024 6:01 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I need back up here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet"

"Why not"

"The floor's still wet."

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Mon Apr 22, 2024 6:03 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
I'm worried something might be wrong with my testicles.
One seems bigger than the others.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Mon Apr 22, 2024 6:04 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
My wife left me because of my insecurities.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Mon Apr 22, 2024 6:05 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast!
What should I do?"
"Is this her first child?" he asked.
"No, this is her husband."

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Mon Apr 22, 2024 6:06 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
I unfortunately mixed up my sleeping pills with my Viagra.
I ended up having forty wanks.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Mon Apr 22, 2024 6:06 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
To the person who stole my antidepressants

I HOPE YOUR HAPPY NOW!!

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Mon Apr 22, 2024 6:07 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"
"Rhino!"
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Mon Apr 22, 2024 6:07 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
"You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life"

"But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad"

"I know, son"