The Gooner Forum

A woman says to her doctor doctor "I have two green marks on the inside of my thighs" The doctor had a look and said. "Is your boyfriend a Gypsy?"
I said "Yes, why?"

He said, "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

A mother takes her four year old daughter into the bank and the little girl goes up to the counter and says " as I now have a job I would like to open a bank account" the manager replies oh what sort of a job do you have?" The little girl replies " I have a job on a building site" the mother explains that they have builders working on land at the bottom of their garden and the builders have taken a shine to her daughter and let her turn the hose on and off and as she has been so helpful have given her a proper pay packet. " well that's wonderful says the bank manager it's so good to work hard and receive a pay packet, are you working next week?"

" yes says the little girl, if those cunnts from Jewson deliver the fucking bricks on time."

I had a dream I was swimming in a giant ocean of orange soda.
Turned out to be a Fanta sea.

Phoned the Tinnitus helpline earlier but it just kept ringing...

To the Scumbag that stole 300 cans of RedBull from my shop.

I don't know how you can sleep at night.

I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.'

She replied 'No, we have a problem, we're a couple, we're married, we're a unit, your problem is my problem we're in this together.'

Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.'

But she was insistent on knowing, 'what is the problem?'

I then had to explain to her that 'we have got your sister pregnant!.'

Feminists just want to be treated equally

To the pretty ones.

It's only my second day in prison, and I've already been brutally bummed in the showers three times.

I'm starting to think maybe I'm not cut out to be a guard.

An Essex girl gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head.

A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries.

"How many fingers have I got up?"

She suddenly bursts into tears.

"Fuck me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"

Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of Popcorn Kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic.

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote: ↑

Wed Apr 24, 2024 4:57 pm

A woman says to her doctor doctor "I have two green marks on the inside of my thighs" The doctor had a look and said. "Is your boyfriend a Gypsy?"
I said "Yes, why?"

He said, "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

.. Read this one 5 minutes ago and I'm still laughing tears in my eyes ... Oh! My feckin' ribs!

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote: ↑

Thu Apr 25, 2024 10:37 am

An Essex girl gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head.

A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries.

"How many fingers have I got up?"

She suddenly bursts into tears.

"Fuck me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"

And this one... I've had to stop to take a breather!

A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker.
He says to the landlord "Fuck me, that must be one clever dog"

"Not really" said the landlord,

"Every time he gets a good hand his fucking tail starts wagging"

When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman!
What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the fucking thing!

Las Vegas and Scunthorpe:- the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips....