The Gooner Forum

We were having some friends over for dinner and my wife was getting nervous.

"When it's time to eat," she said, "do I say 'Dinner is ready' or 'Dinner is served'?"

I said, "If it's anything like your usual cooking, just say 'Dinner is fucked'."

I was taking my wife hunting with me and bought her the most adorable hunting outfit yesterday.

She thought the antlers on the hat were really cute.

10 p.m Channel 4 - Living with my stalker.

Fucking hell, talk about leading someone on.

I stayed at the Ritz hotel in London & took a card from a phone box on Oxford St. offering "Sordid sex & other pleasures"
Back at the Hotel I rang the number.A lady with a silky soft voice asked if she could be of any help.

I said "I'd like a blow job, a straight shag, then doggie style, mild bondage, a few minutes of anal & finish off with a tit *****. Is that OK?"

The lady replied, "Sounds like fun, Sir, but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line.

All excellent Lefty, but this one had me in absolute stitches...


"I stayed at the Ritz hotel in London & took a card from a phone box on Oxford St. offering "Sordid sex & other pleasures"
Back at the Hotel I rang the number.A lady with a silky soft voice asked if she could be of any help.

I said "I'd like a blow job, a straight shag, then doggie style, mild bondage, a few minutes of anal & finish off with a tit *****. Is that OK?"

The lady replied, "Sounds like fun, Sir, but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line."

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote: ↑

Wed Jan 01, 2025 2:06 pm

Wayne Rooney has revealed he's delighted to have smashed dry January.

January, 87, is recovering after undergoing emergency vaginal surgery.

Dirty Rooney. Dirty.

Lefty, the Ritz hotel had me in stitches.

Midz wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 10, 2025 4:25 pm

Lefty, the Ritz hotel had me in stitches.

Yes, well we've all stayed at the Ritz...

DB10GOONER wrote: ↑

Thu Jan 09, 2025 10:29 pm

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote: ↑

Wed Jan 01, 2025 2:06 pm

Wayne Rooney has revealed he's delighted to have smashed dry January.

January, 87, is recovering after undergoing emergency vaginal surgery.

Dirty Rooney. Dirty.

Midz wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 10, 2025 4:25 pm

Lefty, the Ritz hotel had me in stitches.

Had a similar experience in a premier inn, although it was a Romanian male receptionist who answered and he offered the same service for some scrap copper

OneBardGooner wrote: ↑

Wed Jan 08, 2025 4:17 pm

All excellent Lefty, but this one had me in absolute stitches...


"I stayed at the Ritz hotel in London & took a card from a phone box on Oxford St. offering "Sordid sex & other pleasures"
Back at the Hotel I rang the number.A lady with a silky soft voice asked if she could be of any help.

I said "I'd like a blow job, a straight shag, then doggie style, mild bondage, a few minutes of anal & finish off with a tit *****. Is that OK?"

The lady replied, "Sounds like fun, Sir, but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line."

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote: ↑

Sat Jan 11, 2025 3:08 pm

Midz wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 10, 2025 4:25 pm

Lefty, the Ritz hotel had me in stitches.

Had a similar experience in a premier inn, although it was a Romanian male receptionist who answered and he offered the same service for some scrap copper

I was Lead to believe they aren't like that, but fair do's Lefty that's Comedy Gold.

What's made of Brass and sounds like Tom Jones?





Trombones

Thought I'd do a clean joke for a change!

As I started to unload my seriously full trolley at the till, I noticed a little old lady behind me holding only a pint of milk....

"Is that all you've got?" I asked. "Yes" she smiled.

"Well" I replied, "You'd better find another till, I'm going to be fucking ages!"

TeeCee wrote: ↑

Sat Jan 25, 2025 8:55 am

What's made of Brass and sounds like Tom Jones?





Trombones

Thought I'd do a clean joke for a change!

Brilliant! Love It...Mind you I am Welsh.