The Gooner Forum

I went for a job interview recently and was asked what i think my greatest weaknesses are.
I replied "well i often have trouble with reality; you know? Being able to tell whats real and what is a surreal idealistic formed in my head".

"Very interesting" replied the interviewer, "what about your strengths?"

"I'm Batman"

Paddy's in the pub tellin' his mates about joinin' the Army & about his first parachute jump; Paddy describes 'we were 3,000 feet up, then 1 by 1, they started to jump; when it was my turn, I couldn't do it - no way!'

Then this big sergeant pulled out his 12" cock & cried "If you don't jump, I'm gonna stick this baby right up your ass!"

Paddys mates asked 'Well? Did you jump?'

Paddy replies 'just a bit when it first went in!'

Being a dyslexic I downloaded Grammar Checker!

Instead of checking punctuation I've ended up wanking over 65 year old women.

A patient says to her doctor, "Doctor, would you please kiss me?"
doctor says, "you are a very beautiful woman, but no. It would be against my code of ethics."
"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.
"Sorry," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, you probably shouldn't even be sucking my cock!"

I said to my girlfriend last night, "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time."

She thought for a minute and said, "Your cock's bigger than your brothers."

Why do deaf and dumb girls only use one hand to masturbate..........so they can moan with the other one!

My wife just said to me "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago & it still fits me".

I said, don't show me it, let me guess, " is it a scarf"?

My wife said switching off her mothers life support machine was the most difficult thing ever.

She's obviously never tried sneezing holding a full pint!

Alzheimer's protest march
"what do we want"?
"change!"
"when do we want it?"
"want what?"

A message - to the bloke in the wheelchair who nicked my camouflage jacket: -

You can hide but you can't run !!!

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman.

It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

It took me ages to get her husband's voice right!

Father O'Reilly let the kids of the parish shave his hair off for charity.

Afterwards he was asked how he felt.

He said, "It feels a bit strange but I think it makes my cock look bigger"!

My wife came into my shed yesterday.. ''Your'e wasting your time & money on all these inventions!'' she said...
It was at this point that the Slap-a-fat-twat-automatic 3000 proved her wrong...

I was at the local swimming pool today when I decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
The lifeguard must have noticed.
He blew his whistle so fucking loud I nearly fell in

Superb, Lefty.