LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's ten best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's ten best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A friend of mine just got divorced.
He and his wife split the house.
He got the outside.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just been in the loft and found a 1979 copy of the TV Times.

Or as it's now known........"The Sex Offenders Register"

[OneBardGooner]

Fuckin' Hell Lefty Those are Cracking!... I had to take a break / Breather after the one...about the three women..

Mate... What a way to start a Monday ... BRILLIANT!

[DB10GOONER]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!

Fuck me just spat coffee everywhere!

[DB10GOONER]

Three women; one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night, all three will wear a leather bodice (S&M style), stilettos and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days, they meet again. The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He looked at me and said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."

The mistress said, "Me too; the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night."

The married one said, "The other night, I sent the kids to stay at my mother's. I got myself ready; leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband came back from work, opened the door and said: 'Alright, Batman, what's for dinner?' "

Superb.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Fuckin' Hell Lefty Those are Cracking!... I had to take a break / Breather after the one...about the three women..

Mate... What a way to start a Monday ... BRILLIANT!

Thanks Onebard and DB, I was posting them this morning while waiting with my girlfriends oncology appointment, I was telling her these jokes as I was posting them, she was laughing and then I looked up and thought, maybe not the best place to be giggling away

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!

Fuck me just spat coffee everywhere!

[gazzatt2]

keep up the good work lefty
from no 4

[OneBardGooner]

Fuckin' Hell Lefty Those are Cracking!... I had to take a break / Breather after the one...about the three women..

Mate... What a way to start a Monday ... BRILLIANT!

Thanks Onebard and DB, I was posting them this morning while waiting with my girlfriends oncology appointment, I was telling her these jokes as I was posting them, she was laughing and then I looked up and thought, maybe not the best place to be giggling away

Sometimes Laughter is the Best and / or Only Medicine We Have.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

keep up the good work lefty
from no 4

Nice one Gazza

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

BBC News - Women set to be allowed to serve combat roles on the front line .

I think you will find it's spelt " Rolls ".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My girlfriend texted me earlier, "Why don't you ever put an x at the end of your texts?"

I replied, "Sorry babe. Michelle."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Police in Amsterdam have revealed that 51Kg of cocaine has gone missing from their central headquarters.

The police chief said at a press conference, "We'll do whatever it takes to catch the culprits, even if we have to stay up all night. And all tomorrow night. And then maybe hit a club or something."

[OneBardGooner]

Police in Amsterdam have revealed that 51Kg of cocaine has gone missing from their central headquarters.

The police chief said at a press conference, "We'll do whatever it takes to catch the culprits, even if we have to stay up all night. And all tomorrow night. And then maybe hit a club or something."

Sounds like the Met!