LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A prostate examination is not a good time to find out your doctor is an amateur ventriloquist

[DB10GOONER]

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis. His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

I banged that bird way back in the day.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

New research shows porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral.
A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him said, control yourself man.

I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral. What's so funny about that?

I'm a gynecologist.

[DB10GOONER]

Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers.

"We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them.

The priests look at each other for a moment before replying, "We'll do it."

[DB10GOONER]

New research shows porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

Top work Lefty.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I need back up here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor's still wet."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm worried something might be wrong with my testicles.
One seems bigger than the others.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife left me because of my insecurities.
No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast!
What should I do?"
"Is this her first child?" he asked.
"No, this is her husband."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I unfortunately mixed up my sleeping pills with my Viagra.
I ended up having forty wanks.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

To the person who stole my antidepressants
I HOPE YOUR HAPPY NOW!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"
"Rhino!"
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life"
"But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad"
"I know, son"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Me and the wife have just been to the cinema to see that film Suffragette.

Two hours of a woman's struggle........full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car we rushed in and caught the credits...