LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

An Essex girl gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head.

A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries.

"How many fingers have I got up?"

She suddenly bursts into tears.

"Fuck me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"

[OneBardGooner]

... ... ...





Ohhh! Lefty Mate! My Fuckin' Ribs I Can't Breathe!!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

[DB10GOONER]

An Essex girl gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head.

A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries.

"How many fingers have I got up?"

She suddenly bursts into tears.

"Fuck me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"

[Midz]

The little girl in the bank

[OneBardGooner]

Someone sent me this link (on YT) and when I saw the title I nearly deleted it as Chaplin & Keats really didn't do anything for me; though they were said to be Comedic Geniuses of their time... If there was anyone from that Era that made me Chuckle it was Laurel & Hardy (That Laughing scene in the restaurant Or The "Moving the Piano" sketch. Anyway if you want to give y9ur chuckle bones a tickle check this Chaplin & Keats Boxing thing out...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yym5xcpnA4E


also here's the Laurel & Hardy Restaurant Laughing scene: ( I challenge you not to laugh!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVBNkJKekgM


and the Piano Sketch:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIWcfBWrQlk

[DB10GOONER]

Someone sent me this link (on YT) and when I saw the title I nearly deleted it as Chaplin & Keats really didn't do anything for me; though they were said to be Comedic Geniuses of their time... If there was anyone from that Era that made me Chuckle it was Laurel & Hardy (That Laughing scene in the restaurant Or The "Moving the Piano" sketch. Anyway if you want to give y9ur chuckle bones a tickle check this Chaplin & Keats Boxing thing out...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yym5xcpnA4E


also here's the Laurel & Hardy Restaurant Laughing scene: ( I challenge you not to laugh!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVBNkJKekgM


and the Piano Sketch:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIWcfBWrQlk

The only silent star I find amusing from that era is Harold Lloyd.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... Something happened.
I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man. "
And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker.
He says to the landlord "Fuck me, that must be one clever dog" "Not really" said the landlord, "Every time he gets a good hand his fucking tail starts wagging"

[OneBardGooner]

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.

I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,

“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Noah's diary :

Day 39. Unicorn pie is fucking delicious!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

There's a nudist convention in my town tomorrow.

I might go if I've got nothing on.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Swampy the eco-warrior has died of a heart attack.

They offered him a bypass but he wasn't having any of it.