LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I keep making racist jokes about my dads thai bride.
He finds it really annoying...

And so does my dad

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife came into the lounge and asked why our two year old son was screaming.

"He kicked me in the balls," I snarled.

"He doesn't understand that it hurts," she said.

"He fucking does now," I replied.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

You'd be surprised how quickly the sales people at the B&Q try and assist you after ignoring you for the past 15 minutes,
when you try and start a chainsaw!!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just sat down in the restaurant with my wife and ordered the hippo soup.

Not sure what I'm gonna have yet.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I saw a bloke on the train wearing a T-shirt that read, "This is what a feminist looks like.

" And right enough, he had a flat chest and facial hair.

[OneBardGooner]

An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.

I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,

“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”

Also

"You'd be surprised how quickly the sales people at the B&Q try and assist you after ignoring you for the past 15 minutes,
when you try and start a chainsaw!!!"


I'm going to try that next time I'm in there...


......................................................................................


As always Excellent Lefty!

[shu]

I've just sat down in the restaurant with my wife and ordered the hippo soup.

Not sure what I'm gonna have yet.

ha ha that took me 30 seconds

[DB10GOONER]

Swampy the eco-warrior has died of a heart attack.

They offered him a bypass but he wasn't having any of it.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

[OneBardGooner]

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

.... So you know my Ex!?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

People say that I'm a bad person.... but I reckon they're just jealous that they can't kick pigeons as far as I can.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What is it with these people that refuse to embrace modern technology?
Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

[DB10GOONER]

People say that I'm a bad person.... but I reckon they're just jealous that they can't kick pigeons as far as I can.

[OneBardGooner]

People say that I'm a bad person.... but I reckon they're just jealous that they can't kick pigeons as far as I can.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

If modern society has taught us anything, it's that the less a person is qualified to have an opinion

The more likely she is to express it