LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was called into my local police station in connection with Operation Yewtree. Things started going from bad to worse when I was presented with a series of photos of children from the 70s.

How was I to know that they didn't want me to give them marks out of 10?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Bloke goes to the doctor having problems with premature ejaculation,he Dr says when you feel yrself coming give yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol in the air to prolong the sex.
Two days later the Doc sees him again and asks how it went. Bloke says not too good, we were in a 69, I felt myself start to come, so i fired the gun!

My wife shit on my face, bit the end of my cock and the milkman came out of the wardrobe with his hands up!!

[Big Sac]

The Vatican has revealed that Jimmy Savile was only two sexual assaults away from getting his own Parish.


Getting old is a terrible thing. This morning I went upstairs then forgot why, so I went back down to try and jog my memory.That's when I shit myself!


Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from his relatives about my floral tribute in the shape of a lifejacket. But as i told everyone. "Its what he would have wanted"!!


Several years ago I underwent a painful procedure the removal of my spine and both testicles ......still never mind got some great wedding presents


I've finally found something the wife's arse doesn't look big in................. The distance!


So Kate Middleton is pregnant .....thought it was government policy to discourage people who don't work from having children


I was in the pub the other day telling that old joke about "What do you do if you see an epileptic have a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing!" We were all having a good laugh about this when someone tapped me on the shoulder and said "Excuse me mate but I don't find that
funny. My brother was epileptic and he died in the bath during a fit." I said "I'm ever so sorry mate, did he drown?" "No" he said "he choked on a sock"

[brazilianGOONER]

The Vatican has revealed that Jimmy Savile was only two sexual assaults away from getting his own Parish.


Getting old is a terrible thing. This morning I went upstairs then forgot why, so I went back down to try and jog my memory.That's when I shit myself!

[DB10GOONER]

Bloke goes to the doctor having problems with premature ejaculation,he Dr says when you feel yrself coming give yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol in the air to prolong the sex.
Two days later the Doc sees him again and asks how it went. Bloke says not too good, we were in a 69, I felt myself start to come, so i fired the gun!

My wife shit on my face, bit the end of my cock and the milkman came out of the wardrobe with his hands up!!

This actually happened to FwankSav!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What's the difference between a practical joke and a temperature?

Nurses can take a temperature.

Too soon?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

It's been confirmed that the coin that struck Rio Ferdinand was actually a Euro, as Man City fans no longer have any need for them

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I had to laugh when people said that my wife only married me for my money.
If only they could see the loving look she gives me as she closes her bedroom door every night.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

We were raised to never judge a book by its cover...
However, if the cover barely encases the book , I think its safe to assume that book is an attention seeking slag.

[flash gunner]

What's the difference between a practical joke and a temperature?

Nurses can take a temperature.

Too soon?

Not at all

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I don't think my next door neighbour watches enough porn.

She asked me to help her fix her kitchen sink. It's been 40 minutes now and we're still fixing the fucking thing!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

If I was asked to describe my wife in two words I could be complimentary and say she's 'All Pussy'.

Though if I was being honest I'd have to use the words 'terrible acne'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I think everybody should stop the jokes about Arsenal going out on penalties.

They can't take them.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

It's freezing cold outside, frost and fog everywhere.

But on the plus side, don't the homeless look festive!