Joke time

Post by **brazilianGOONER** » Mon Jun 07, 2010 5:02 pm

Postman wrote:THE SCOUSER AND THE GAY MAN

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool sat a scouser. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the Scouser.

Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the **** out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Scouser, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the Scouser replied. "Something about a job."

Postman · Post by **Postman** » Sat Jun 12, 2010 5:22 pm

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19
year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing butReebok running shoes and
a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but
no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better
and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs.
as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing
there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

OnlyGotOneSong · Post by **OnlyGotOneSong** » Sat Jun 12, 2010 5:40 pm

Husband gets home from work and is feeling kinky.
He asks wife "Can I cum in your ear tonight?"
Wife replies: "No, I might go deaf!"
Husband says: " I've been cumming in your mouth for 20 years but your still f*cking talking!"

merson_is_god · Post by **merson_is_god** » Sun Jun 13, 2010 11:21 am

Tottenham winning something as the year ends in 1 next season!! Hahaha!!

Charlie! Charlie! · Post by **Charlie! Charlie!** » Mon Jun 14, 2010 8:01 am

to send to the girls... 'Imagine u r in Primark, queueing in single file, the girl in front of u doesnt have her purse, to ur dismay u then realise u dont have urs. A solution is that ur friend towards the back of the queue is offering to throw her purse to u, u cant queue jump until the purse has been thrown to u, once the purse has been thrown u can quickly dodge the lass infront then confront the girl on the desk. Thats right girls, OFFSIDE RULE IN A LANGUAGE U UNDERSTAND, NOW DONT INTERRUPT ME FOR THE NEXT 4 WEEKS ASKING STUPID FUCKING QUESTIONS!'

CraigPollard · Post by **CraigPollard** » Mon Jun 14, 2010 10:55 am

Charlie! Charlie! wrote:to send to the girls... 'Imagine u r in Primark, queueing in single file, the girl in front of u doesnt have her purse, to ur dismay u then realise u dont have urs. A solution is that ur friend towards the back of the queue is offering to throw her purse to u, u cant queue jump until the purse has been thrown to u, once the purse has been thrown u can quickly dodge the lass infront then confront the girl on the desk. Thats right girls, OFFSIDE RULE IN A LANGUAGE U UNDERSTAND, NOW DONT INTERRUPT ME FOR THE NEXT 4 WEEKS ASKING STUPID FUCKING QUESTIONS!'

ha ha, i taught my missus the offside rule in the same manner...

"OK, imagine your in a shoe shop, the checkout girl is the goalkeeper......"

Post by **brazilianGOONER** » Mon Jun 14, 2010 11:51 am

OnlyGotOneSong wrote:Husband gets home from work and is feeling kinky.
He asks wife "Can I cum in your ear tonight?"
Wife replies: "No, I might go deaf!"
Husband says: " I've been cumming in your mouth for 20 years but your still f*cking talking!"

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Mon Jun 14, 2010 1:02 pm

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

goonersid · Post by **goonersid** » Wed Jun 16, 2010 10:24 am

I said to the wife "ok sexy upstairs now"! she looked at me and said "ooohhh you randy sod."
I said "no seriously the match is going to start! now fuck off upstairs"

Postman · Post by **Postman** » Wed Jun 16, 2010 11:13 am

South African police admit having problems with drug dealers, thieves and sex fiends during the world cup. They say things should improve when John Terry's family go home.

Post by **brazilianGOONER** » Wed Jun 16, 2010 11:18 am

Postman wrote:South African police admit having problems with drug dealers, thieves and sex fiends during the world cup. They say things should improve when John Terry's family go home.

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Wed Jun 16, 2010 2:37 pm

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

merson_is_god · Post by **merson_is_god** » Wed Jun 16, 2010 2:47 pm

Whats wrong with sleeping with thirty six year olds?

There's thirty of them!

Post by **I Hate Hleb** » Wed Jun 16, 2010 8:16 pm

augie · Post by **augie** » Wed Jun 16, 2010 9:23 pm

That is just wrong