I WILL NOW VOLUNTARILY WITHDRAW FROM THIS THREAD IN CASE I DO SOME ACCIDENTAL DAMAGE TO MY REPUTATION. I WOULDN'T WANT THAT TO CRASH DUE TO TRADING INSULTS.
A few jokes
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I Hate Hleb
- Posts: 18632
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 3:36 pm
- Location: London
A hippie spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her:
"Can we have sex?"
No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", says the bus driver.
"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with ahood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"
"Can we have sex?"
No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", says the bus driver.
"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with ahood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"
Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio
Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
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I Hate Hleb
- Posts: 18632
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 3:36 pm
- Location: London
I'VE FECKING PROSTRATE WITH LAUGHTER, IT WAS THAT FUNNY, WAYNO!!
AND BEFORE YOU SAY IT - NO, I'M NOT TAKING THE PISS!!
Last edited by I Hate Hleb on Mon Nov 26, 2007 4:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Charlie! Charlie!
- Posts: 3680
- Joined: Fri Oct 26, 2007 4:22 pm
- Location: Mums the word
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Charlie! Charlie!
- Posts: 3680
- Joined: Fri Oct 26, 2007 4:22 pm
- Location: Mums the word
Top tips from Viz
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create thee ffect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada
Hawthorn fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they won't know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a Haulpak or similar outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the Haulpak unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Small car drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create thee ffect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada
Hawthorn fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they won't know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a Haulpak or similar outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the Haulpak unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Small car drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
An Albanian joke.
Three people (Irish, English, and Albanian) survived an boat crash an got captured in a island. They were fishing to get something to eat and they catch an golden fish, the fish asks them for thre vishes in order they will let him free. Ok say the three mans the first goes Irish, he thinks and thinks and says how can i live without a bear and irish women, pls take me back to dublin, and he goes. Than comes English turn he wishes the same just to London, and the wish came true. And the albanian thinks and thinks and hi dint want to go back to his place, and said what i will do without the other two wishes the two guys are back to island.
Re: An Albanian joke.
I love this joke for all the wrong reasonsKAQAK wrote:Three people (Irish, English, and Albanian) survived an boat crash an got captured in a island. They were fishing to get something to eat and they catch an golden fish, the fish asks them for thre vishes in order they will let him free. Ok say the three mans the first goes Irish, he thinks and thinks and says how can i live without a bear and irish women, pls take me back to dublin, and he goes. Than comes English turn he wishes the same just to London, and the wish came true. And the albanian thinks and thinks and hi dint want to go back to his place, and said what i will do without the other two wishes the two guys are back to island.
Thank you KAQAK 
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really f**k, I'll have nothing left to live for."
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really f**k, I'll have nothing left to live for."
a womans husband comes home hammered every nite and she always gives out to him before goin to bed alone,
one day she decides to use reverse phychology..
so next night in comes hubbie pissed and the wife is sitting there in her best lingerie and sits him down,,
whispers in his year,,
tonite im going to give you the best sex ever;
quick back rub and she says come upstairs and i'l fcuk your brains out
ok he says, sure im going to be in trouble when i go home anyway
one day she decides to use reverse phychology..
so next night in comes hubbie pissed and the wife is sitting there in her best lingerie and sits him down,,
whispers in his year,,
tonite im going to give you the best sex ever;
quick back rub and she says come upstairs and i'l fcuk your brains out
ok he says, sure im going to be in trouble when i go home anyway
phil senderos gets a part time job as a zoo keeper,,
the main zoo keeper aware of big phils lack of pace tells him to take care of the tortoises,, later the keeper drops in to see how phil is doing,, and stands there looking at an empty enclosure,,,
what the fcuk happened he says,,
where are the tortoise's gone,,
phil shrugs and says,, i just opened the door and whoooosh
the main zoo keeper aware of big phils lack of pace tells him to take care of the tortoises,, later the keeper drops in to see how phil is doing,, and stands there looking at an empty enclosure,,,
what the fcuk happened he says,,
where are the tortoise's gone,,
phil shrugs and says,, i just opened the door and whoooosh
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I Hate Hleb
- Posts: 18632
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 3:36 pm
- Location: London
