The Gooner Forum

Geoff Shreeves - "We've got Shaun Wright-Phillips here.

"Shaun, great goal today.

"What does it feel like to be adopted?"

I took two stuffed dogs I had onto the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were alive?"

"Sticks?" I replied.


I burst out into the aisle of the plane and yelled, "Does anybody know how to fly one of these things!?"

Everybody stared on in horrified silence...

As the stewardess calmly asked me to sit down and put the kite away.

An Irish man who took Ryanair to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case

I thought I spotted a super hero earlier today when I saw a man running down the street wearing a cape . It turns out the fucker hadn't paid for his hair cut!


I tried to share a kebab with a homeless man I saw sitting on a bench last nite. He told me to fuck off and buy my own!

Whats the difference between a kebab and a fanny?One stinks, has got meat hanging out of both sides and you only eat when your pissed.The other is a Greek delicacy.

Bee Gees gone straight into Number 1 with "How deep is our Brod"

Boy sat in class scratchin his crotch. Teacher asked him wots wrong.
Embarrassed boy said he's just been circumcised and it was itchy. Teacher told him to ring his mum for advice.
Boy comes back with his cock hangin out!
What on earth are you doin? she says. My mum said if I could stick it out til lunchtime she'd come and get me.

Opened the fridge this morning & heard a voice inside saying 'Robin Gibb is dead'....... It was chives talking !!!

Edit, whoops double

My racing snail is not winning races anymore. I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work. If anything it's made him more sluggish.

12 Athletes have been suspended in the build up to the Paralympics after testing positive for WD-40.

I’m not saying the mother-in-law’s ugly but she went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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AN anagram of mother-in-law is woman Hitler.
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HOW many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.
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WHAT’S the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?
The vulture waits until you’re dead before it eats your heart out.
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DID you hear about the man who threw his mother-in-law into the lion’s den at the zoo?
He’s being sued by the RSPCA for cruelty to animals.
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TWO cannibals were sitting down eating lunch.
One says to the other: “You know, I just can’t stand my mother-in-law.”
The other replies: “Just put her to the side and eat the mash.”
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WHAT are the two worst things about your mother-in-law?
Her faces.
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HOW many mothers-in-law does it take to ruin a marriage?
Just one…mine!
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LAST week my wife and I went to buy a car and the salesman asked if I wanted an airbag. I said: “No thanks. I already have a mother-in-law.”
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LAWYER to his client: “Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?”
Son-in-law: “Take no chances ? order all three.”

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A BIG-GAME hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One night the couple woke to find the mother gone. In a clearing not far from the camp they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a tree with a snarling lion facing her.
The wife said: “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it.”

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FIRST man: “My mother-in-law is an angel.” Second man: “You’re lucky fella, mine’s still alive.”

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MY mother-in-law is a big woman. She got run over last week. The driver said he had enough room to get around her but he didn’t have enough petrol.

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.' St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Nicola, What seems to be the rush?'

The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Sharon sticks her arse in it.

I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dancefloor giving it socks, Breakdancing, Moonwalking, back flips, The works. My wife turned to me and said, " See that guy?. 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!!"

A joke for those with children
Knock, knock!

Who's there?

I did a Per

I did a Per..who?

Urrgghh!!!

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.......................Les Dawson