LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I took pity on a tramp sleeping rough in the doorway of my shop and offered him a job.

He now holds the position of draught excluder.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Trying to watch the football last week, my girlfriend was going on as usual about nothing. Despite ignoring her she nudged me hard in the side.

'So, which of my friends is your favourite?' she enquired.

Thinking about them I decided to go for her ugliest, fattest friend to try and win some brownie points.

Anyway.... guess who I'm now having a threesome with tonight!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I called my son's teacher this morning and said, "Jack won't be coming in today, he's got diarrhoea and has just followed through in his pants."

"Fair enough, Mr Smith," he said, "It's going around the school."

"Is it?" I asked.

"Yes," he laughed, "I'm fucking telling everyone."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just seen my son outside freezing his nuts off.

We've told him we won't be contributing towards his sex change op.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I fucking hate this cold weather. Having to wear thermal underwear, long-johns, heavy trousers, a big padded coat and wooly mittens just to go to the park.


By the time I've got my cock out, she's miles past the bush I'm in!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The first rule of narcolepsy club is.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I bet the kids dressed up as sheep in the nativity plays in Wales are a bit jumpy.

[northbank123]

I bet the kids dressed up as sheep in the nativity plays in Wales are a bit jumpy.

[Big Sac]

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...


A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I rang 999 because two girls were fighting over me. The operator said, "Oh really! So what's the emergency then?"

I replied, "The fat one is winning...."

[DB10GOONER]

I fucking hate this cold weather. Having to wear thermal underwear, long-johns, heavy trousers, a big padded coat and wooly mittens just to go to the park.


By the time I've got my cock out, she's miles past the bush I'm in!!

Hlebby.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

For those of you wondering what it's like to be married...

I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Google.

Giving thick fuckers intelligence since.... Erm... let me just Google when Google was invented, hang on.

[g88ner]

Google.

Giving thick fuckers intelligence since.... Erm... let me just Google when Google was invented, hang on.

September 15, 1997. Idiot.

Which, incidently, was 2 days after Ian Wright Wright Wright broke Cliff Bastin's goalscoring record

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

New year's resolution: I will date more models

Revised: I will date more
Revised: I will get a date
Revised: I will stop crying whilst masterbating