LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[DB10GOONER]

New year's resolution: I will date more models

Revised: I will date more
Revised: I will get a date
Revised: I will stop crying whilst masterbating

g88ner - stop hacking Lefty's account!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

New year's resolution: I will date more models

Revised: I will date more
Revised: I will get a date
Revised: I will stop crying whilst masterbating

g88ner - stop hacking Lefty's account!

Oh....was it THAT bad

[g88ner]

New year's resolution: I will date more models

Revised: I will date more
Revised: I will get a date
Revised: I will stop crying whilst masterbating

g88ner - stop hacking Lefty's account!

Oh....was it THAT bad

Oi!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[DB10GOONER]

New year's resolution: I will date more models

Revised: I will date more
Revised: I will get a date
Revised: I will stop crying whilst masterbating

g88ner - stop hacking Lefty's account!

Oh....was it THAT bad

No, it was the masturbating whilst crying bit... typical Brummie!

[g88ner]

No, it was the masturbating whilst crying bit... typical Brummie!

It's a word that has gone out of fashion, but it's apt so I'll use it... I am not a fucking Brummie, but you sir are a 100% cuntslop!

[OneBardGooner]

Talking of cuntslops....

I think there must be quite a few Gooners in Africa with guns!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/20782432

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

New year's resolution: I will date more models

Revised: I will date more
Revised: I will get a date
Revised: I will stop crying whilst masterbating

g88ner - stop hacking Lefty's account!

Oh....was it THAT bad

No, it was the masturbating whilst crying bit... typical Brummie!

Brummie ay, that explains an awful lot

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

So Derek Branning has been having sex with someone he shouldn't and goes to light up a cigar.

Will the BBC ever learn?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Went out to a Chinese restaurant with Arsenal player Gervinho last night, it was all you can eat for £6 a head.

They charged him £30

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife told me that she's getting fed up of my boring facts.

"I find them very interesting," I said.

"Well, who gives a flying fuck?" She said angrily.

"Dragonflies," I replied.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The sex life's not been great recently so the wife's bought a dildo to spice it up a bit.

She says, "It's shaped like a carrot!" which is a ironic really, because her fanny looks like a donkey yawning.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted.

Oh well, better get back to it I suppose.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their trolleys around B&Q when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's okay. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, a nice peachy bottom and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

[MegaGooner]

Went out to a Chinese restaurant with Arsenal player Gervinho last night, it was all you can eat for £6 a head.

They charged him £30

and

The sex life's not been great recently so the wife's bought a dildo to spice it up a bit.

She says, "It's shaped like a carrot!" which is a ironic really, because her fanny looks like a donkey yawning.

Quality LFLG. Keep up the excellent work on this thread.