LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

My wife left me for two reasons.

One was that I never listened to anything she said...

I can't remember the second one.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

MegaGooner wrote:
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:Went out to a Chinese restaurant with Arsenal player Gervinho last night, it was all you can eat for £6 a head.

They charged him £30
and
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:The sex life's not been great recently so the wife's bought a dildo to spice it up a bit.

She says, "It's shaped like a carrot!" which is a ironic really, because her fanny looks like a donkey yawning.
:coffeespit:

Quality LFLG. Keep up the excellent work on this thread.

:barscarf:

Cheers Mega :barscarf:

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

My wife announced that she'd been sleeping with another man for the past five years.

"Another man?" I asked. "Who's the first guy?"

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

My wife is a real tiger in the bedroom.

400lbs and ginger.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today but, when I looked again, it said 'Thick Cut'."

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

"...98... 99... 100. Phew! How was that?" asked my wife.

"Very impressive, Sarah," I replied. "However, there is a theory behind why it's known as a three-point turn."

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

My wife complained that I'm always trying to be someone I'm not.

I'm wondering how the fuck she got into the batcave?

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

My wife had a really terrible hangover this morning.

Or muffin-top, whatever you prefer to call it.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
£1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last weekend and wife knows fucking everything.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

My missus says she hates it how I narrate every situation,
and here comes the fat cu.nt now.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I got a strange text this evening off a number I didn't know.

I replied, "Who's this?"

I got a message back saying, "Your worst fucking nightmare."

Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

My missus said that my cock reminds her of her favourite supermarket.

I said, "Why, because it's well stocked and capable of supplying you with your every need?"

"No," she replied. "Because it's Lidl."

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

My wife called me upstairs to the bedroom earlier.
"Look what I found in the cupboard, crotchless panties " She said as she seductively modelled them.
I didn't have the heart to tell her it was one of my vests.

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StuartL
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by StuartL »

LFL some real quality gags on there (some of the wife ones are very poignant :wink: )
Are you actually a comedian by trade ? - honest question.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

StuartL wrote:LFL some real quality gags on there (some of the wife ones are very poignant :wink: )
Are you actually a comedian by trade ? - honest question.

Haha no mate.

I just like a joke or two, I am one of 13 children so you grow up with a very quick wit, it's that or crash and burn.

My brothers and sisters all have a good sense of humour too and our family get togethers are really good fun and chaotic :lol:

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