LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife left me for two reasons.

One was that I never listened to anything she said...

I can't remember the second one.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Went out to a Chinese restaurant with Arsenal player Gervinho last night, it was all you can eat for £6 a head.

They charged him £30

and

The sex life's not been great recently so the wife's bought a dildo to spice it up a bit.

She says, "It's shaped like a carrot!" which is a ironic really, because her fanny looks like a donkey yawning.

Quality LFLG. Keep up the excellent work on this thread.

Cheers Mega

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife announced that she'd been sleeping with another man for the past five years.

"Another man?" I asked. "Who's the first guy?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife is a real tiger in the bedroom.

400lbs and ginger.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today but, when I looked again, it said 'Thick Cut'."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"...98... 99... 100. Phew! How was that?" asked my wife.

"Very impressive, Sarah," I replied. "However, there is a theory behind why it's known as a three-point turn."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife complained that I'm always trying to be someone I'm not.

I'm wondering how the fuck she got into the batcave?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife had a really terrible hangover this morning.

Or muffin-top, whatever you prefer to call it.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
£1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last weekend and wife knows fucking everything.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My missus says she hates it how I narrate every situation,
and here comes the fat cu.nt now.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I got a strange text this evening off a number I didn't know.

I replied, "Who's this?"

I got a message back saying, "Your worst fucking nightmare."

Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My missus said that my cock reminds her of her favourite supermarket.

I said, "Why, because it's well stocked and capable of supplying you with your every need?"

"No," she replied. "Because it's Lidl."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife called me upstairs to the bedroom earlier.
"Look what I found in the cupboard, crotchless panties " She said as she seductively modelled them.
I didn't have the heart to tell her it was one of my vests.

[StuartL]

LFL some real quality gags on there (some of the wife ones are very poignant )
Are you actually a comedian by trade ? - honest question.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

LFL some real quality gags on there (some of the wife ones are very poignant )
Are you actually a comedian by trade ? - honest question.

Haha no mate.

I just like a joke or two, I am one of 13 children so you grow up with a very quick wit, it's that or crash and burn.

My brothers and sisters all have a good sense of humour too and our family get togethers are really good fun and chaotic