The Gooner Forum

My wife left me for two reasons.

One was that I never listened to anything she said...

I can't remember the second one.

MegaGooner wrote:

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:Went out to a Chinese restaurant with Arsenal player Gervinho last night, it was all you can eat for £6 a head.

They charged him £30

and

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:The sex life's not been great recently so the wife's bought a dildo to spice it up a bit.

She says, "It's shaped like a carrot!" which is a ironic really, because her fanny looks like a donkey yawning.

Quality LFLG. Keep up the excellent work on this thread.

Cheers Mega

My wife announced that she'd been sleeping with another man for the past five years.

"Another man?" I asked. "Who's the first guy?"

My wife is a real tiger in the bedroom.

400lbs and ginger.

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today but, when I looked again, it said 'Thick Cut'."

"...98... 99... 100. Phew! How was that?" asked my wife.

"Very impressive, Sarah," I replied. "However, there is a theory behind why it's known as a three-point turn."

My wife complained that I'm always trying to be someone I'm not.

I'm wondering how the fuck she got into the batcave?

My wife had a really terrible hangover this morning.

Or muffin-top, whatever you prefer to call it.

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
£1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last weekend and wife knows fucking everything.

My missus says she hates it how I narrate every situation,
and here comes the fat cu.nt now.

I got a strange text this evening off a number I didn't know.

I replied, "Who's this?"

I got a message back saying, "Your worst fucking nightmare."

Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time.

My missus said that my cock reminds her of her favourite supermarket.

I said, "Why, because it's well stocked and capable of supplying you with your every need?"

"No," she replied. "Because it's Lidl."

My wife called me upstairs to the bedroom earlier.
"Look what I found in the cupboard, crotchless panties " She said as she seductively modelled them.
I didn't have the heart to tell her it was one of my vests.

LFL some real quality gags on there (some of the wife ones are very poignant )
Are you actually a comedian by trade ? - honest question.

StuartL wrote:LFL some real quality gags on there (some of the wife ones are very poignant )
Are you actually a comedian by trade ? - honest question.

Haha no mate.

I just like a joke or two, I am one of 13 children so you grow up with a very quick wit, it's that or crash and burn.

My brothers and sisters all have a good sense of humour too and our family get togethers are really good fun and chaotic