LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Sir Alex Ferguson defended his decision to leave Van Persie on the bench for today's match in the rain claiming...

"The boy could have drowned!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My main hope for 2004 is to clear up my dementia issues.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Anal bleaching"

Because some arseholes need to lighten up.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Chasing the American Dream does not count as exercise!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick...

Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision.

Fuck, how fast must they have been walking?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

When your wife has to chew before she swallows.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've been struggling to get a job for a while now so I've been taking a car door with the window wound down around with me.

Harry Redknapp seems to get loads of interviews doing it.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was taking my wife hunting with me and bought her the most adorable hunting outfit yesterday.

She thought the antlers on the hat were really cute.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I had a mouthwatering experience this morning.

Positively the last time I try to take a leak with a hard-on.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Capitalisation is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a horse."