LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[DB10GOONER]

My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"

I said, "Those happy women."

Still works!

[Top Londoner]

My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"

I said, "Those happy women."

Still works!

No. No it doesn't.

[Top Londoner]

The kitchen staff really helps my wife get the cooking done quicker.

I say staff... but really it's just a big stick.

Bloody brilliant again

[Top Londoner]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says ' two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident' The blonde starts sobbing "that's horrible!!! So many men dying like that!" After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, " how many is a Brazilian ? "

Funniest post of the week. FACT

[Top Londoner]

A farmer had a herd of cows and the bull wasn't doing his job of servicing the cows. So the farmer calls in the vet, the vet runs some tests on the bull and says to the farmer " I could put him on a course of injections, Or we could try this old cowman's trick" The vet walks over to the nearest cow, lifts her tail, rubs his hand across the cows crotch and then rubs his hand under the bulls nose. The bull gets an instant erection, climbs on the cow and starts servicing her. The farmer is amazed. That night he is laying in bed next to his wife and he thinks " I wonder is it works on humans?" He carefully rubs his hand across his wife's crotch and then rubs his hand under his nose. He get an instant erection, he wakes his wife up and says " what do you think of this?" His wife looks at him and say " You have woken me up at this time of the morning, just to show me that you have a nose bleed."




Having just shagged Cheryl Cole there are two things I have discovered.

1. Cheryls pussy is extremely tight.

2 Mme Tussauds are *word censored* for throwing me out.



I told my girlfriend that the best cure for constipation was anal sex.

She didn't believe me but after some persuasion, I talked her into it and I stick my big fat cock into her
tiny little arsehole. I shagged her up the bum really hard then after a while, shot my muck, deep into her
bowels.

I've just rung her this morning asking if we can try it again as I'm still constipated.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was on a blind date with a girl last night. She said, "You seem like a nice guy. How come you're still single?"

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "I suppose my standards are too high."

"Really?" she asked. "Well," I replied, "Take the girls in this bar for example... Wouldn't fuck her... Wouldn't fuck her... Wouldn't fuck her."

She looked shocked. I said, "What's wrong? Surprised by my honesty?"

She said, "That, and the fact that you pointed at me... Three times!!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm ninety years old," he says.
"Ninety?" replies the woman. "Don't you realise you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was driving around the other day and started feeling really horny. So I decided to swing by this well known dogging spot that was close by. There were a few other cars there so I pulled up and joined in.

I had a great time, but I think I failed my driving test.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Went dogging with the wife last night.

By the time she'd parked the car, everyone had fucked off!!

[StuartL]

Went dogging with the wife last night.

By the time she'd parked the car, everyone had fucked off!!

like that one very much

[I Hate Hleb]

..

I told my girlfriend that the best cure for constipation was anal sex.

She didn't believe me but after some persuasion, I talked her into it and I stick my big fat cock into her
tiny little arsehole. I shagged her up the bum really hard then after a while, shot my muck, deep into her
bowels.

I've just rung her this morning asking if we can try it again as I'm still constipated.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm not saying my wife's fat but while on holiday this year a lifeguard walked up to her while she was sunbathing and said "could you get off the beach please madam, the tide wants to come in.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Ashley Young and Valencia are wasting their time with all these high crosses into the box. Do they think v Persie has a death wish or something?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

someones built a snowman outside the emirates with an arsenal kit on ' i thought that won't stay there long.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was in the park this morning, building a snowman. I couldn't concentrate because of all the moaning.

"Dad... Dad... Can I go down the hill on my sledge?"

"No, son. It's too dangerous."

"Please, Dad."

"No. There are too many trees, not to mention the fence at the bottom."

"BUT... I... WANT... TO!"

I'd had enough, so I pushed the little fucker down the hill to teach him a lesson.

"You fucking prick!" screamed his dad.