Male Comebacks to Female Comebacks to Male Pick-up Lines
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Is that because you'll be on your knees sucking my cock?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's how you got the moustache.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load in your arse.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick thats impossible to shake off once you shag.
Male: Would you like to dance?
Female: I'd rather die.
Male: I think you misheard me. I said your arse looks fat in those jeans
A few jokes
-
I Hate Hleb
- Posts: 18632
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 3:36 pm
- Location: London
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on. He gets out looking and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives slowly and carefully to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. he sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.
He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. he sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.
He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."
sean connery and cilla black hook up
cilla says i hope im not been forward but i really want to sleep with you and i heard your great,,
ok says sean and they have great sex,, sean says if you hold my balls for an hour we'l do it again, so cilla does while sean naps,, an hour later they have great sex again,, and sean says the same thiing so cilla holds his balls while he naps,, again they have great sex when he wakes,,
so sean says we'll do it again in an hour if,, cilla butts in and says i know im to hold your balls,, does it get the blood flowing to your penis and that the reason why i have to hold them,,
no says sean
the last time i slept with a scouser she stole my wallet
cilla says i hope im not been forward but i really want to sleep with you and i heard your great,,
ok says sean and they have great sex,, sean says if you hold my balls for an hour we'l do it again, so cilla does while sean naps,, an hour later they have great sex again,, and sean says the same thiing so cilla holds his balls while he naps,, again they have great sex when he wakes,,
so sean says we'll do it again in an hour if,, cilla butts in and says i know im to hold your balls,, does it get the blood flowing to your penis and that the reason why i have to hold them,,
no says sean
the last time i slept with a scouser she stole my wallet
-
stearmaster
- Posts: 5367
- Joined: Thu Feb 15, 2007 4:00 pm
- Location: ENFIELD, N.LONDON
Commentators Goofs ‘n’ Gaffs
"The Stamford Bridge crowd gasped as Osgood's shit trickled past
the post"
{The People}
"Robert Lee was able to do some running on his groin for the first
time."
{Glenn Hoddle, quoted in the Observer}
"Juantarino just opened up his legs and showed his class"
{David Coleman, Olympics Comentator, BBC1}
"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is
no different to any other."
(John Sleightholme, BBC1}
"You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them in
chronological order."
{Dave Bassett, Radio 5 Live}
"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to
score a goal."
(Jimmy Hill, BBC}
"It's like learning to play golf. Just when you think you've
cracked it, they move the goalposts."
{Adrian Love, Southern Counties Radio}
Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: "Sex is an
anti-climax after that!"
Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride,
everyone saw that."
{BBC}
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on
the field."
{Metro Radio}
"Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all
those times are at 1500 metres."
{David Coleman, BBC1}
"The pits say PUMP ON, that probably means to switch the pump on."
{Murray Walker, BBC}
Kilroy-Silk: "Did you mean to get pregnant?"
Girl: "No. It was a cock-up."
{ITV}
"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch,
even on a sunny day."
(CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack-will you
stay in football?" (STUART HALL, Radio 5 Live)
"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot." (RAY
WILKINS, speaking on BBC1)
"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach..." (ALAN SUGAR,
speaking on BBC1)
"I would not say he .David Ginola. is the best left winger in
the Premiership, but there are none better."
(RON AKTINSON in a TV interview)
"Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke..."
(Carling FA Premiership WWW Page)
"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have
been a goal." (DAVE BASSETT, speaking on Sky Sports)
"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides
have conceded a couple of goals."
(PETER WITHE, speaking on Radio 5 Live)
"You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level
without being able to score goals."
(ALAN GREEN, speaking on Radio 5 Live)
"What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas
began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal...."
(SIMON FANSHAWE, speaking on Talk Radio)
"And we all know that in football if you stand still you go
backwards..." (PETER REID, Tyne Tees Sport Special)
"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable
area for goalies is between their legs..."
(ANDY GRAY, Sky Sports)
"The lad got overexcited when he saw the whites of the
goalpost's eyes." (STEVE COPPELL, Radio 5 Live)
"They .Rosenborg. have won 66 games, and they've scored in
all of them." (BRIAN MOORE, ITV)
"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of
the kitchen." (TERRY VENABLES, Capital Gold)
"The lads really ran their socks into the ground." (ALEX
FERGUSON)
"He .Brian Laudrup. wasn't just facing one defender-he was
facing one at the front and one at the back as well."
(TREVOR STEVEN, STV)
"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday."
(Radio 5 Live)
"...but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on
75% of their nine goals."
(TONY GUBBA, BBC Match of the Day)
"...an excellent player, but he .Ian Wright. does have a
black side."
(GARY LINEKER, BBC)
"We say 'educated left foot'... of course, there are many
players with educated right foots."
(RON JONES, Radio 5 Live)
"That's twice now he .Terry Phelan. has got between himself
and the goal."
(BRIAN MARWOOD, Radio 5 Live)
"Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right
behind him..."
(KEVIN KEEGAN)
"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about
money."
(NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live)
"Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had
no choice."
(KEVIN KEEGAN, Radio 5 Live)
"We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps."
(BRUCE RIOCH, ITV)
"And I suppose they .Spurs. are nearer to being out of the FA
Cup now than any other time since the first half of this season
when they weren't ever in it anyway."
(JOHN MOTSON, BBC)
"... and he crosses the line with the ball almost
mesmerically tied to his foot with a ball of string..."
(IAN DARKE, Radio 5)
"I never make predictions and I never will."
(PAUL GASCOIGNE)
"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the
cold."
(JIMMY HILL)
"....and the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is
96 degrees, is that Falcao is warming up."
(BRIAN MOORE)
"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can
expect the same thing again."
(TERRY VENABLES)
"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need
it."
(ALAN BALL)
"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around
the referee."
(MIKE INGHAM)
"I think that was a moment of cool panic there."
(RON ATKINSON)
"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs."
(RON ATKINSON)
"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up
his sleeve."
(JOHN GREIG)
"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they
were great years."
(MARTIN HODGE)
"Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with
both feet."
(JAMES SANDERSON)
"They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their
heads in shame."
(RON GREENWOOD)
"It's headed away by John Clark, using his head."
(DEREK RAE)
"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team
to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side."
(MIKE INGHAM)
"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody
will catch him."
(BOBBY ROBSON)
"The shot from Laws was precise but wide."
(ALAN PARRY)
"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour."
(JOHN MOTSON)
"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure
today's won't be any different."
(TREVOR BROOKING)
"Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head
hanging over them."
(MALCOLM McDONALD)
"Tottenham have impressed me. They haven't thrown in the
towel even though they have been under the gun."
(BOBBY CHARLTON)
"You have got to miss them to score sometimes."
(DAVE BASSETT)
"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly
cut forehead."
(TOM FERRIE)
"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is
like a piece of paper saying you want to leave."
(JOHN HOLLINS)
"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to
Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out."
(DAVE BASSETT)
"It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the
road."
(ALAN GREEN)
"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few
seconds."
(PETER JONES)
"Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs
on."
(KEVIN KEEGAN)
"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams
get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal."
(JIMMY HILL)
"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere
along the road, their ship went off the rails."
(RICHARD PARK)
"That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several
chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and
scored twice."
(TREVOR BROOKING)
"...and so they have not been able to improve their 100%
record."
(SPORTS ROUNDUP)
"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight
gale."
(JOHN LYALL)
"In comparison, there's no comparison."
(RON GREENWOOD)
"I would also think that the action replay showed it to be
worse than it actually was."
(RON ATKINSON)
"Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both
sides put together."
(MALCOLM McDONALD)
"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins."
(BRIAN MOORE)
"Football's not like an electric light. You can't just flick
the switch and change from quick to slow."
(JOHN GREIG)
"Certain people are for me and certain people are pro me."
(TERRY VENABLES)
"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way."
(RON ATKINSON)
"And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0."
(IAN DARK)
"They have got their feet on the ground and if they stay that
way they will go places."
(JOHN GIDMAN)
"Being naturally right-footed he doesn't often chance his arm
with his left foot."
(TREVOR BROOKING)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in
the air for even longer."
(DAVID ACFIELD)
"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the
radio."
(Gerry Francis)
"If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so
inconsistant."
(Bryan Robson 1990)
"John Harkes going to Sheffield, Wednesday."
New York Post (1993)
"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be
frustrated footballers."
(Mick Lyons)
"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head."
(Derek Johnstone - BBC TV Scotland 1994)
"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must
have seen something that nobody else did."
(Barry Davies 1975)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"
(Stuart Pearce 1992)
"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's
nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit
different"
(Kevin Keegan)
"Glen Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has
Bryan Robson."
(Ron Greenwood)
"There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's
another Ryan Giggs."
(Denis Law)
"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we
come from the same place..play for the same club..and were
discovered by the same man."
(Norman Whiteside)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the
habit of a lifetime for that prat."
(Ron Atkinson 1979)
"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in
the all-yellow strip."
(John Motson - BBC TV)
"I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than>
Maradona."
(Kevin Keegan)
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you
think Germany has got of getting through?"
Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty" -
"The Stamford Bridge crowd gasped as Osgood's shit trickled past
the post"
{The People}
"Robert Lee was able to do some running on his groin for the first
time."
{Glenn Hoddle, quoted in the Observer}
"Juantarino just opened up his legs and showed his class"
{David Coleman, Olympics Comentator, BBC1}
"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is
no different to any other."
(John Sleightholme, BBC1}
"You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them in
chronological order."
{Dave Bassett, Radio 5 Live}
"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to
score a goal."
(Jimmy Hill, BBC}
"It's like learning to play golf. Just when you think you've
cracked it, they move the goalposts."
{Adrian Love, Southern Counties Radio}
Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: "Sex is an
anti-climax after that!"
Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride,
everyone saw that."
{BBC}
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on
the field."
{Metro Radio}
"Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all
those times are at 1500 metres."
{David Coleman, BBC1}
"The pits say PUMP ON, that probably means to switch the pump on."
{Murray Walker, BBC}
Kilroy-Silk: "Did you mean to get pregnant?"
Girl: "No. It was a cock-up."
{ITV}
"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch,
even on a sunny day."
(CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack-will you
stay in football?" (STUART HALL, Radio 5 Live)
"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot." (RAY
WILKINS, speaking on BBC1)
"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach..." (ALAN SUGAR,
speaking on BBC1)
"I would not say he .David Ginola. is the best left winger in
the Premiership, but there are none better."
(RON AKTINSON in a TV interview)
"Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke..."
(Carling FA Premiership WWW Page)
"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have
been a goal." (DAVE BASSETT, speaking on Sky Sports)
"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides
have conceded a couple of goals."
(PETER WITHE, speaking on Radio 5 Live)
"You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level
without being able to score goals."
(ALAN GREEN, speaking on Radio 5 Live)
"What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas
began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal...."
(SIMON FANSHAWE, speaking on Talk Radio)
"And we all know that in football if you stand still you go
backwards..." (PETER REID, Tyne Tees Sport Special)
"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable
area for goalies is between their legs..."
(ANDY GRAY, Sky Sports)
"The lad got overexcited when he saw the whites of the
goalpost's eyes." (STEVE COPPELL, Radio 5 Live)
"They .Rosenborg. have won 66 games, and they've scored in
all of them." (BRIAN MOORE, ITV)
"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of
the kitchen." (TERRY VENABLES, Capital Gold)
"The lads really ran their socks into the ground." (ALEX
FERGUSON)
"He .Brian Laudrup. wasn't just facing one defender-he was
facing one at the front and one at the back as well."
(TREVOR STEVEN, STV)
"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday."
(Radio 5 Live)
"...but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on
75% of their nine goals."
(TONY GUBBA, BBC Match of the Day)
"...an excellent player, but he .Ian Wright. does have a
black side."
(GARY LINEKER, BBC)
"We say 'educated left foot'... of course, there are many
players with educated right foots."
(RON JONES, Radio 5 Live)
"That's twice now he .Terry Phelan. has got between himself
and the goal."
(BRIAN MARWOOD, Radio 5 Live)
"Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right
behind him..."
(KEVIN KEEGAN)
"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about
money."
(NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live)
"Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had
no choice."
(KEVIN KEEGAN, Radio 5 Live)
"We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps."
(BRUCE RIOCH, ITV)
"And I suppose they .Spurs. are nearer to being out of the FA
Cup now than any other time since the first half of this season
when they weren't ever in it anyway."
(JOHN MOTSON, BBC)
"... and he crosses the line with the ball almost
mesmerically tied to his foot with a ball of string..."
(IAN DARKE, Radio 5)
"I never make predictions and I never will."
(PAUL GASCOIGNE)
"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the
cold."
(JIMMY HILL)
"....and the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is
96 degrees, is that Falcao is warming up."
(BRIAN MOORE)
"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can
expect the same thing again."
(TERRY VENABLES)
"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need
it."
(ALAN BALL)
"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around
the referee."
(MIKE INGHAM)
"I think that was a moment of cool panic there."
(RON ATKINSON)
"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs."
(RON ATKINSON)
"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up
his sleeve."
(JOHN GREIG)
"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they
were great years."
(MARTIN HODGE)
"Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with
both feet."
(JAMES SANDERSON)
"They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their
heads in shame."
(RON GREENWOOD)
"It's headed away by John Clark, using his head."
(DEREK RAE)
"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team
to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side."
(MIKE INGHAM)
"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody
will catch him."
(BOBBY ROBSON)
"The shot from Laws was precise but wide."
(ALAN PARRY)
"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour."
(JOHN MOTSON)
"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure
today's won't be any different."
(TREVOR BROOKING)
"Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head
hanging over them."
(MALCOLM McDONALD)
"Tottenham have impressed me. They haven't thrown in the
towel even though they have been under the gun."
(BOBBY CHARLTON)
"You have got to miss them to score sometimes."
(DAVE BASSETT)
"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly
cut forehead."
(TOM FERRIE)
"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is
like a piece of paper saying you want to leave."
(JOHN HOLLINS)
"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to
Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out."
(DAVE BASSETT)
"It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the
road."
(ALAN GREEN)
"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few
seconds."
(PETER JONES)
"Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs
on."
(KEVIN KEEGAN)
"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams
get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal."
(JIMMY HILL)
"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere
along the road, their ship went off the rails."
(RICHARD PARK)
"That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several
chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and
scored twice."
(TREVOR BROOKING)
"...and so they have not been able to improve their 100%
record."
(SPORTS ROUNDUP)
"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight
gale."
(JOHN LYALL)
"In comparison, there's no comparison."
(RON GREENWOOD)
"I would also think that the action replay showed it to be
worse than it actually was."
(RON ATKINSON)
"Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both
sides put together."
(MALCOLM McDONALD)
"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins."
(BRIAN MOORE)
"Football's not like an electric light. You can't just flick
the switch and change from quick to slow."
(JOHN GREIG)
"Certain people are for me and certain people are pro me."
(TERRY VENABLES)
"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way."
(RON ATKINSON)
"And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0."
(IAN DARK)
"They have got their feet on the ground and if they stay that
way they will go places."
(JOHN GIDMAN)
"Being naturally right-footed he doesn't often chance his arm
with his left foot."
(TREVOR BROOKING)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in
the air for even longer."
(DAVID ACFIELD)
"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the
radio."
(Gerry Francis)
"If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so
inconsistant."
(Bryan Robson 1990)
"John Harkes going to Sheffield, Wednesday."
New York Post (1993)
"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be
frustrated footballers."
(Mick Lyons)
"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head."
(Derek Johnstone - BBC TV Scotland 1994)
"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must
have seen something that nobody else did."
(Barry Davies 1975)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"
(Stuart Pearce 1992)
"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's
nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit
different"
(Kevin Keegan)
"Glen Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has
Bryan Robson."
(Ron Greenwood)
"There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's
another Ryan Giggs."
(Denis Law)
"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we
come from the same place..play for the same club..and were
discovered by the same man."
(Norman Whiteside)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the
habit of a lifetime for that prat."
(Ron Atkinson 1979)
"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in
the all-yellow strip."
(John Motson - BBC TV)
"I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than>
Maradona."
(Kevin Keegan)
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you
think Germany has got of getting through?"
Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty" -
-
Mrs Gus (Doris)
- Posts: 1098
- Joined: Tue Oct 02, 2007 2:36 pm
- Location: In The Herbert
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
Mrs Gus (Doris) wrote:Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
-
Mrs Gus (Doris)
- Posts: 1098
- Joined: Tue Oct 02, 2007 2:36 pm
- Location: In The Herbert
A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.
'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'
'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'
'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.
'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'
'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'
'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''
Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes
to the lobby to put his name on the group
mailbox. While he was there, an attractive
young lady comes out of the apartment next to
the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a
conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips
open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under
the robe.
Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact. After a fow minutes, she places her hand
on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear
someone coming..."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and
after she closes the door, she leans against
it allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Being completely nude, she purrs at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers,
clears his throat several times, and finally
squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these
breasts! They are full, don't sag, and
they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm
and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look
at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in
heaven's name would you say my ears are the
best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers
"Outside when you said you heard someone coming
That was me!"
to the lobby to put his name on the group
mailbox. While he was there, an attractive
young lady comes out of the apartment next to
the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a
conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips
open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under
the robe.
Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact. After a fow minutes, she places her hand
on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear
someone coming..."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and
after she closes the door, she leans against
it allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Being completely nude, she purrs at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers,
clears his throat several times, and finally
squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these
breasts! They are full, don't sag, and
they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm
and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look
at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in
heaven's name would you say my ears are the
best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers
"Outside when you said you heard someone coming
That was me!"
A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner were sitting in a pub having
a pint of beer. The South African grabs his beer downs it, tosses his
glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He
grins to the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and says "In Souff
Efrika we haf so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass
twice."
The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs
the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and
proclaims "Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand which makes glass really cheap so we too never drink out of the same glass twice."
The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the
glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the
South African and says "In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same one twice"
.
a pint of beer. The South African grabs his beer downs it, tosses his
glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He
grins to the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and says "In Souff
Efrika we haf so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass
twice."
The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs
the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and
proclaims "Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand which makes glass really cheap so we too never drink out of the same glass twice."
The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the
glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the
South African and says "In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same one twice"
.
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They
have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane
returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says,
"This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those
animals - you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the
take off."
"That's bullshit", says one of the hunters.
"Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken:
we came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts:
He wasn't afraid to take off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it, I can
fly as well as anybody!"
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake.
It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering
the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear
it, and said, "where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around,
and said "I'd say...About a hundred yards further than last year..."
have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane
returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says,
"This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those
animals - you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the
take off."
"That's bullshit", says one of the hunters.
"Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken:
we came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts:
He wasn't afraid to take off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it, I can
fly as well as anybody!"
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake.
It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering
the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear
it, and said, "where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around,
and said "I'd say...About a hundred yards further than last year..."
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to the vet
"my dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well" said the vet "lets have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up by it's ears & has a good look at it's eyes.
"Well" says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed ?" say the man.
"No because he's f*cking heavy" says the vet
"my dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well" said the vet "lets have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up by it's ears & has a good look at it's eyes.
"Well" says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed ?" say the man.
"No because he's f*cking heavy" says the vet
