New joke thread

U.F.G Anfield '89 · Post by **U.F.G Anfield '89** » Fri Jun 20, 2008 2:00 pm

3 condoms walking down the road, small, medium and large. if you say hello to them which one replies? None of them they're all stuck up *word censored*!

a hitman and his friend playing golf, the hit man has his sniper rifle in his bag and it has a detachable scope. he hands the scope to his friend and says "this is my new scope, have a go and tell me what you think" the hit man's friend takes the scope and says "wow the magnification on this is incredible, i can see my house it's like it's right in front of me.

wait a minute my neighbour and my wife are in my bedroom, naked! the dirty fuckers." he turns to the hit man and says "can you shoot them for me" the hitman thinks for a bit and says "well, i usually don't like to mix my leisure time with business but as you're my friend i'll do it for you, and i'll give you a cut price of just a thousand pounds per bullet."

the husband says ok and the hit man asks where he should shoot them the husband says "well my wife has always been a nag so shoot her in the mouth, my neighbour i want shot in the dick."

the hit man takes aim and waits for a while, the angry husband says "shoot them already" the hitman replies "can you shut it please, i'm trying to save you a grand."

ticket collector on a tram sees an old lady standing by the rail on the top deck one day and gets sudden urge to push her off, he pushes her off the top deck and she hits the street and dies. this is america so he goes to court and is sentenced to death by electric chair. he goes to the chair and survives the electricity 3 times, this is considered an act of god and he goes free.

he gets his old job back and pushes another old lady off and kills her. he goes back to court and the judge says "how could you do it, god gives you a second chance and you repay him by killing another old lady, we've upped the voltage, this time you die."

so he goes to the chair again, the guard throws the switch, another 3 times and the ticket collector survives again. the guard says "before i let you go i have to know, how do you keep surviving?" the ticket collector replies "i'm a very bad conductor."

Drone · Post by **Drone** » Sun Jun 22, 2008 6:29 am

Animals in the jungle went to the king LION and the females complained to king that their housebands are misusing them they are ahving to mutch sex. The king decided to cut their penises and give them only once a month. When the time arrived the king grabed the penises one by one and asked: Wolf here is yours and wolf took his and went to his wifey, and so in a row at the end only the peni of elephant and male chicken housband were left, king grabs elephants peni and asks who's this peni is, none answered, king asked three times in a row but noone answered because the elephants were sleeping, and than the chicken was pleasing her houseband, darling please say that this is yours.

Hope i write it good and hope that it make sense in english.

U.F.G Anfield '89 · Post by **U.F.G Anfield '89** » Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:02 am

not bad at all KAQAK, you conveyed all the main points of the joke good going. i think mr chicken chose his mate quite poorly though who'd want a wife with that much "capacity"?