LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I don't get why people are so against gay marriage? They clam it's tearing away at the social fabric.
As if gays would do anything to harm fabric though?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What's the difference between a western girl and a Arab girl?

The western girl gets stoned before she commits adultery.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Ah shit.

I just wrote an email to my wife saying I fancy a hot shag tonight and I accidentally sent it to my gran.

Means I'll have to drive to Devon now.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets. I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Who's guilty?

A wife wakes up from a dream yelling "Hurry my husband's home!" Husband wakes up and jumps out the window.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

As my sister-in-law roared off in her new car, my wife commented, "I think I made a mistake marrying you. Look how happy my sister is in her new car."
I said, "Yes, maybe if you sucked a lot of cock, your boyfriend would buy you a Porsche too."
"I may well just do that," she sneered.
"It's a bit late now," I replied. "I can't afford two."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Isn't it discrimination that Gingers can only use two lifelines in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

[brazilianGOONER]

What's the difference between a western girl and a Arab girl?

The western girl gets stoned before she commits adultery.

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"

"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"

"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

[brazilianGOONER]

[Top Londoner]

Have you tried the new horse burgers, low in fat and high in shergar.

Anyone know what to do with these 100 horse burgers I`ve been saddled with.

If you thought Tesco's were in shit about having horse meat on their burgers just wait til they analyse their Quarter Pandas!

My posh girlfriend likes to eat Waitrose finest beef burgers with a bit of Red Wine, I prefer my Tesco value ones with a bit of Red Rum.

I see absolutely no problem with horsemeat in my burgers, which is why my mane is so glossy and I'm running in the 3:10 at Kempton.

Gotta admit tho', when the disease inevitably hits - 'Crazy Horses' sounds way cooler that 'Mad Cow'.

I've tried Sainsbury's and Tesco burgers and I have to say Tesco wins by a nose.

When cooking Tesco burgers the correct term is not 'medium to rare'. It's 'good to firm'.

[Top Londoner]

whats the big deal with horse meat found in Tesco burgers all of a sudden?

there's been plenty of camel toe found in Primark leggings for a long time now...



If you think Tesco's horse burgers sound nice, you should check out their meatballs..... They're the dogs bollocks.

[Top Londoner]

fact: 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

[OneBardGooner]

I got sacked from my job as a nursery teacher, Apparently singing " the Muslims on the bus go Bang, bang, bang " is considered racist.