The Gooner Forum

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

Did he answer Brazilian Gooner?

OneBardGooner wrote:

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

Did he answer Brazilian Gooner?

Sundays joke


TOTTENHAM

corkbarry wrote:Sundays joke


TOTTENHAM

Liverpool.

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored, black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
And she points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. So, how much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...
So I just switched the heads.'

Fucking brilliant postie.
I didn't see that punchline coming.

Postman wrote:A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored, black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
And she points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. So, how much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...
So I just switched the heads.'

brilliant joke

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

A farmer goes to see his neighbour and the door is opened by his youngest son.

"Is your Dad home?" askes the farmer.

"No sir," replies the boy, "he went into town to get some feed."

"How about your Mother?"

"No sir," says the boy, "she went with Dad."

"How about Steve?" presses the farmer, "is he here?"

"No sir, he's with mum and dad too. Look, is there anything I can do? I know where all the machinery is, if you need to borrow something, or I can give dad a message."

"Not really, son," says the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad about your Steve getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment and replied, "I guess you need to see Dad about that. I know he charges £300 for the bull and £50 for the ram, but I don't know how much he'd charge for Steve."

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."

At least some good will come from the trouble in Mali.

Before, who would have believed Timbuktu was a real place?

I said to my doctor, "I'm convinced everybody is trying to read my mind. But you already know that."

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."