LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

One morning my hot 15 year-old sister came into my room crying. Dad had finally told her that her real parents were unknown - she was adopted.

I was a good big brother. I put a comforting arm around her, and told her that it doesn't matter, that we'll always love her, and that I thought she was the most wonderful sister in the world. Then, I dunno how it happened, but we kissed, and soon things got really passionate - clothes came off, and... we had the most amazing sex.

Sadly, it didn't last. After I came, I found out the condom had split. She started crying again, and I got the shakes. We went downstairs, hand in hand, to break the news to dad that his adopted daughter was probably pregnant.

I have never been less amused by the words "April Fools".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Sometimes when I can't sleep I try counting sheep, but my ADHD is a fucking nightmare.

One sheep, two sheep, dog, pig, old McDonald, Hey Macarena!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A lorry carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the M1 yesterday, shedding its load across the carriageway.

Onlookers are said to be stunned, bewildered, dumbfounded, astonished, shocked, flabbergasted, startled, speechless and amazed.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

It's strange isn't it ?
You stand in the middle of the library and go "Aaaaaaaaargh!!" and everyone stares at you.
But do it on a plane and everyone joins in.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:"

I always put "Doctor". What the fuck's my mother going to do?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Teenagers today drink twice as much as they did ten years ago.

To be fair, though, they were only aged between 3 and 9 ten years ago.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."

She said, "Yes you are."

I said, "No I'm fucking not."

She said, "Can you tell the time?"

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fucking drunk."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence."
"Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A pound," the barman replied.
"A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"

His granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I had to take a drugs test the other day and it came back negative.

Which means my dealer's got some explaining to do.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

You look like I need another drink...

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A_C_H_L

Sometimes Alcohol is the answer.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."