LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Is karate for amputees called partial arts?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Excellent...look forward to this every week.

Cheers mate, think that makes 4 of you

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

One armed butlers.

They can take it, but they can't dish it out.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I don't know this for a fact, but I'm pretty sure deaf people cheat at charades...

[scotgooner]

"Sir do you mind steppin' outta the car and doin' a breath test."
"Look, you've had two pints, you're over the limit, that's a twelve month ban and a criminal record."
"Ey, it's company policy. I've got to let you go."
"I know there's only twenty thousand on the clock, but that's my final offer."
"Oh that's just great, Matt! No license, no job... now what?"
"So, what's it gonna be?"

"Fosters please, mate."

Superb mate

[Top Londoner]

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"




WENGER OUT

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The Nigerian Government are now offering a $3million reward for the safe return of the missing girls.

All you need to do is to provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A team of British experts has flown to Nigeria, to help find the 276 abducted schoolgirls.

Their first job will be to tell the American team where Nigeria is.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Leave Gary Barlow alone!

Whatever he said, whatever he did, he didn't mean it.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Roy Hodgson to name England team...

"Bunch of useless wankers" it is again then.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

DIY tip of the week:

A woman is on all fours with sperm dripping from her arse and both corners of her mouth. what does this tell you?

Your floor's level !!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

There's a new drug for lesbians on the market to cure depression, it's called Trycoxagain.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, "What has changed?" The guide answered, "Land mines."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

A woman.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker." They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?" The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."