The Gooner Forum

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

A bloke got his sleeping pills mixed up with his Viagra, ended up having 40 wanks.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

I'm in trouble with the wife, we were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body!

Apparently "identify it" wasn't the right answer.

You really do have to hand it to the French...

After all, they won't fight for it.

Without me, it's just aweso.

I don't see why people expect female linesman to be worse than male ones.

I mean, if there is something women are good at, it is pointing out mistakes made by men.

I covered myself from head to toe in mirrors today.
I don't really know why, maybe I'm just at that age where you do a lot of reflecting...

Last week my wife caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread.
"It's not what it looks like," I pleaded.
"Well, what is it then?" she asked with a puzzled look on her face.
"A woman," I replied.

I had a thirty-four-and-a-half with my girlfriend last night.

She's a dwarf.

A boy came running into his house to his mum excitedly yelling, "Mum, mum, we're sitting round the neighbour's watching porn!"

Mum: "WHAT!!?"

Boy: "Relax, mum! It's child porn!.

I've just gone into the bedroom and someone's stolen my bed.
Honestly.
I'm not lying.