LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[DB10GOONER]

I had a thirty-four-and-a-half with my girlfriend last night.

She's a dwarf.

Well, sometimes it's best like sticks with like.

[DB10GOONER]

A boy came running into his house to his mum excitedly yelling, "Mum, mum, we're sitting round the neighbour's watching porn!"

Mum: "WHAT!!?"

Boy: "Relax, mum! It's child porn!.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just seen photos of the pitch for the England v Italy game.

The last time I saw a pitch in that condition was England v Germany.

Christmas Day 1917.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Brazil's new upcoming star has just been added to their 23 man world cup squad.

Refereeinho is expected to solidify their place at the top of the world stage.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've decided to stop being a pessimist.

It'd never work anyway.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife has recently decided to try her hand at cooking and today handed me one of her freshly baked cookies, "Now be brutally honest." She smiled, "I'm open to criticism."

I said, "They're quite nice, you fat cun.t."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Not aimed at you DB me old mucker.

Why do midgets make shit parents?

Because they struggle to put food on the table.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy"

I then wait at green lights 'til I feel better about myself.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The king of Spain has abdicated.

Another Juan bites the dust.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife text me saying, "I've found out you've been fucking another woman you cheating bastard! I've taken my things and I'm going back to my mum's house."

"Ok, see you when you get here." I text back.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Those scientists proclaiming graphene to be the thinnest black material ever developed have obviously never bought Aldi value bin liners.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife and I have decided that we want to have two children.

Now we need to choose one to get rid of.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Scientists have found that married couples share similar DNA.

Mind you, the study was done in Norfolk.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A policeman pulled me over last night.

He said, "You've got no tax, your rear tyre is completely flat, you've got a can of lager in your hand and you're not wearing a seatbelt!"

I said, "I'll see you tomorrow then."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

I said, "Hang on a minute pal, I'm on the phone."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

As I was licking out my secretary today I suddenly stopped and said, "Susan, I can't do this to my wife."

"Because you love her?" she asked.

I said, "No, because her fanny stinks."