LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Haha! I'm fucking ROFL!"

Said Mr Harris' dyslexic cell mate.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Luis Suarez is said to be worth over £100m.

Well that's the estimate from the tooth fairy.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was in a nightclub and a Scouser came up to me.

She said, "Do you like avocado?"

I said, "No, sorry love, I don't drive."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Australian TV have aired Oscar Pistorius's re-enactment of the shooting of Reeva Steenkamp.

This will be followed by a re-enactment of Rolf Harris touching up Vanessa Feltz, starring Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Sat watching the telly earlier when the wife walked in wearing just a silk dressing gown.
She stood in front of me and slipped it to the floor, revealing herself to be completely naked underneath.
She then dropped onto my lap facing me, her legs straddling mine and purred "What do you think I want?"

"Oof!" I gasped, "The occasional salad?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

After being sentenced to 5 years and 9 months in jail, Rolf Harris is said to be turning to religion to help cope with being behind bars.

When asked for more details, he claims to feel a deep connection to the Catholic Church.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

After claims by Vanessa Feltz that Rolf Harris sexually assaulted her on live TV his lawyers are asking for a retrial on the grounds of insanity.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I have the attention of a goldfish.

It's been watching me for several minutes now.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What gets bigger every time I see my wife?

My wife.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Pistorius.

Sounds like something Harry Potter would say to make your legs fall off.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A fat bird started chatting me up in the club last night and I mentioned I'd just had my birthday this week.

"Well, happy birthday, sexy," she purred, stroking down my chest. "If I come back to yours tonight, could you put a smile on my face?"

"Probably not," I told her. "There's no cake left."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Air crash investigation set to release Malaysian airlines boxset

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Today Luis Suarez, who is banned from football until November, signed for Barcelona who are banned from signing anyone until February

FIFA making up since 1904.

[arseofacrow]

This thread makes me feel good about myself..