LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

FACT: In a 2007 poll about the greatest American ever,

57.8% of Americans said Jesus.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hard-on?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big passionate kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, 'Who the hell was that?'

'Oh,' replies the husband, 'that's my mistress.'

'Well, that's the last straw,' says the wife. 'I've had enough, I want a divorce.'

'I can understand that,' replies her husband, 'but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.'

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

'Who's that woman with Jim?' asks the wife.

'That's his mistress,' says her husband.

'Ours is much prettier,' she replies.

[DB10GOONER]

What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hard-on?

That's why God gave us super fast broadband. Rodders told me recently that the download speeds are so fast in his area he now regularly doesn't get past the 3 minute mark on LesbeaHD.com!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

This thread makes me feel good about myself..

Good

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hard-on?

That's why God gave us super fast broadband. Rodders told me recently that the download speeds are so fast in his area he now regularly doesn't get past the 3 minute mark on LesbeaHD.com!

I think Rodders constant use of porn is why everybody else lags

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I see Rihanna is the German World Cup squad's biggest fan...probably because they're both going through a great unbeaten streak.

[DB10GOONER]

I see Rihanna is the German World Cup squad's biggest fan...probably because they're both going through a great unbeaten streak.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

As my flatmate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "Where the fuck are you going dressed like that?"

"To Dave's fancy dress party," he replied. "I'm a tortoise."

I said, "His party is not until tomorrow night!"

He said, "I know, but I'm a tortoise."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

!! LIVERPOOL FANS WARNING !!
If you leave a child in your car during this hot weather please ensure a window is open so they can at least have a fag.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Malaysia sends investigators to Ukraine.

By boat and car, presumably.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

So Thor is a woman now and her special weapon will be a spanner or a spirit level or a pair of pliers..

Or whatever in the tool box she thinks is a hammer.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just seen George Bush's art gallery and, to be honest, I think his portrait of Tony Blair is pretty good.

The lies follow you around the room.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

You would have thought that someone would have invented hindsight sooner.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."