LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Edible underwear was invented in America? Well, there is a surprise.

Even during sex the cu.nts can't stop eating!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I feel like such an idiot.

All these years my wife's been saying she wants me to give her an orgasm,
now it turns out she didn't mean one of mine.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I have a dream: a dream that, one day, chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."


Not even gonna mention you mate

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One guy, a German Shepherd owner, says, "let's go in that bar over there and have a drink."

The other says, "They'll never let us in with the dogs."

The first replies, "Just follow me," and dons a pair of sunglasses. When the doorman stops him, he says, "But this is my guide dog," and is allowed in.

His friend does the same. The doorman says, "I've never ever seen a Chihuahua guide dog before."

To which the guy responds, "WHAT! They gave me a Fucking Chihuahua?!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A priest walks into a barber's shop and sits down. The barber gives him a nice haircut.
When the priest asks him how much the haircut will cost, the barber replies, "I never charge a man who does God's work."
The priest thanks him and the next day the barber finds three bottles of wine on his front step.
Later that day a minister enters his shop to get his hair cut.
When the barber's done the minister asks him what the damage is. The barber replies, "I never charge a man who does God's work."
The minister thanks him and the next day the barber finds three loaves of bread on the front step.
Later that day a rabbi walks in and sits down. When the barber is done and the rabbi inquires about the cost, the barber replies, "I never charge a man who does God's work."
The rabbi thanks him and the next day the barber finds three rabbis on his front step.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Just in case you've had a rough day or you ARE having a rough day.

Here is a quick 7-Step stress management technique recommended in the
latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is - this really works.

Try this:

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water.

See - You are smiling already.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A blonde and a brunette are walking along the street.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "My husband had really bad dandruff, so I gave him head and shoulders."

The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A mosquito landed on my balls...

Hardest decision of my life.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Dear ASDA Self Service

My item IS in the bagging area. If I was trying to steal it do you honestly think I would have scanned it in the fucking first place?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was sacked from my job as a dealer in the casino on my first day.

A slight misunderstanding when they asked to see the flop.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a book about sex and sexual statistics.

He glances over nervously before plucking up the courage to ask her about it.

She replies, "This book is all about sexual statistics, it's fascinating! It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter... By the way, my name's Jill. What's yours?"

"Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you." he replies.


Old one I know but never posted it

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I went on a backpacking holiday with the wife.

On the first night I said, "I think there's a monster under my bed..."

"Grow up," she replied.

"No, really," I continued. "It's hideous..."

"Stop pissing about," she snapped. "I knew it was a mistake letting you have the top bunk."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

If Match.com has taught me anything.

The term curvy covers about 20 dress sizes.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The toothbrush was invented in Stoke.

We know this because anywhere else it would have been called a Teethbrush.