The Gooner Forum

An oldie but a goldie;


Taoism - Shit happens

Confucianism - Confucius say, 'Shit happens'

Buddhism - Shit happening is an illusion

Islam - Shit happening is the will of Allah

Zen - What is the sound of shit happening

Hinduism - This shit happened before

Protestant - Let shit happen to someone else

Catholicism - Shit happens because you don't work hard enough

Judaism - Why does this shit always happen to us?

Christian Science - If shit happens, pray and it will go away

Atheism - Shit happens for no reason

Agnostic - Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't

Hare Krishna - Shit happens, shit happens, shit-shit happens

Stoicism - So shit happens I can take it

Scientology - Faeces occurs

Rastafarianism - Let's smoke this shit and see what happens

Jehovah Witness - Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens

And remember, as the great Eddie Murphy said in Raw; "Them's just jokes."

Broke my record the other night for continual sex, 1 hour and 2 minutes..
Then i realised the fucking clocks had gone forward





Manchester City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips to Madonna

a couple had a bitter fight on their 40th anniversary,the husband yells"
when you die am getting you a headstone that reads
here lies my wife cold as ever,she replied when you die am getting on your headstone,here lies my husband stiff at last

A blond joke for DS i think from a thread the other day??

The Naked Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you dressed like this?' The Cowboy says: 'Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head Asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy ..'






and here I am.' Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist !

young couple had just had great sex. When they were finished, she looked in the box of condoms, but there were only six left out of twelve, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached one of her Male friends, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he said.

"You mean you've actually wanked with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

The misses asked "why dont we make love like they do in the films?", So I bent her over, fucked her up the arse, and came over her face....turns out we dont watch the same films.

northbankbren wrote:The misses asked "why dont we make love like they do in the films?", So I bent her over, fucked her up the arse, and came over her face....turns out we dont watch the same films.

northbankbren wrote:The misses asked "why dont we make love like they do in the films?", So I bent her over, fucked her up the arse, and came over her face....turns out we dont watch the same films.

Quality.


And true...

How many alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side.

Mike's joke reminded of my favourite oldie but goodie. President Reagan (I told you it was old) went to see the Doctor. The Doctor said "Mr Reagan, I'm afraid you have alzheimers and you also have cancer". "Never mind" said Reagan "at least I dont have Alzheimers"!

I thank you!

REBEL GOONER wrote:young couple had just had great sex. When they were finished, she looked in the box of condoms, but there were only six left out of twelve, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached one of her Male friends, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he said.

"You mean you've actually wanked with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

this joke was obviously made up by a woman, there isn't any man who's never heard of the millionaire's *****.

Boy: Dad, what does a pussy look like?

Dad: Well son, there are 2 types of pussy; before sex and after sex.

Boy: How does it look before sex?

Dad: It looks small, tight, and smells like flowers.

Son: How does it look afterwards?

Dad: Son, have you ever seen a Bulldog eating mayonaise?

Three tough looking rats are sitting at a bar drinking. The first rat puts down his beer & turns to the others saying, 'You know how tough I am? Well, you know that rat poison they put down in the kitchen? I eat that stuff for breakfast, lunch & dinner.' The second rat looks unimpressed & says, 'That's nothing, you know those big fucking rat traps they got all over the place? Well get this, I jump in & out of them for a bit of exercise - That's how tough I am.' The third rat knocks back his whiskey, slams the glass down on the bar & heads for the door. 'Where are you going?' ask the other two. The third rat looks up at them and replies, 'I'm off home to shag the cat.'

Who's bald and spent last Sunday helpless in a box?

Brad Friedel, you sick fucker.

Just heard that Jonathan Ross has been arrested for shop lifting – some kitchen utensil apparently.

When apprehended outside the shop, he said he knew it was wrong but it was a whisk he was prepared to take.