The Gooner Forum

LONELY HEARTS ADS:

What they REALLY mean;

Adventurous = Slut
Athletic = No tits
30 something = 41
FUN = Annoying
WILD = Gets pissed easily
BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robbers dog
SEEKS KNIGHT in shining armour = Ex-Husband's a fucking nutter
NEW AGE = Hairy with a smelly fanny
HEADSTRONG = Argumentitive
ENJOYS PUBBING AND CLUBBING = Alcoholic
CURVY = Fat C.unt
CUDDLY = Fat C.unt
LIKES EATING OUT = Greedy fat c.unt
LIKES NIGHTS IN = Lazy fat c.unt

Tin hat firmly in place

Patrick and Mary went to counselling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked the problems, Mary said she had a list of issues; neglect, loneliness, feeling unloved.
After hearing this the therapist got up, walked round his desk, asked mary to unbutton her bouse and then caressed her breasts while kissing her, all while Patrick watched.

'This is what your wife needs 3 times a week, can you do this?' he asked.

Patrick thought for a minute:
'I can drop her off here mondays and wednesdays but fridays i play golf!


With that in mind i have finished for the day and am now off to play golf, then a cheeky dozen or so of some extra cold skippy piss

A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."

Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. Of course he was right again.

Throughout the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

REBEL GOONER wrote:A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."

Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. Of course he was right again.

Throughout the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

Reb, whilst these stories about your home life are usually welcome for their warmth and their happy endings, that one was a bit off, mate...

Doctor to patient..."You'll have to stop masturbating."

Patient..."Why?"

Doctor..."Because I'm trying to examine you!".

olgitgooner wrote:Doctor to patient..."You'll have to stop masturbating."

Patient..."Why?"

Doctor..."Because I'm trying to examine you!".

Liverpool grieves again.

Apparently the city is due to come to a halt this morning at midday for a minute's silence in memory of the 2009/10 season

Nice one, Pixie.

Are the blaming the police, this time?