The Gooner Forum

I was walking down a dark alley the other night,when I was attacked by 3 thugs!
However,I managed to knock one out.
An unusual time to masterbate I know,but it could have been my last!!!

(I had to use the word "masterbate" as the "W" word was asterisked!!!


I was talking to my Girlfriend,and she said that a small Penis wasn't an obstacle to a good relationship.
I told her that I agreed,but would still prefer it if she didn't have one!!!

Walkers Mystery Flavour
My mate swore that they tasted like his girlfriends p***y. He then thought that it was only his imagination but everyone else in the pub said that they thought the same

Sex On Mars

The year is 2222 and Maureen and John land on Mars
after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all
sorts of things. John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have
laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' she asks.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another..

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. 'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?' 'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.' 'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to her. 'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.
As they walked along, John asks Maureen, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

My nephew just emailed me this joke:

'Statistics have shown that 6 out of the 7 dwarves are not happy...'

To which I instantly replied: 'and yet only one of them is Grumpy!!'

Genius or what?

I Hate Hleb wrote:My nephew just emailed me this joke:

'Statistics have shown that 6 out of the 7 dwarves are not happy...'

To which I instantly replied: 'and yet only one of them is Grumpy!!'

Genius or what?

Mike, can you please shut the forum down again?

And this after I gave your Gif thread a free plug ... viewtopic.php?f=1&t=34169

What is a Chinese dentist's favorite time?

Tooth-hurty!

Here is one to try on your mates:-
Text them,
I am in a pub quiz night,who did the song "Tiger Feet"?
wait for the reply,(hopefully "Mud"),then you can text back,
That's right,That's right.That's right.That's right!!!

Rugby Gooner wrote:Here is one to try on your mates:-
Text them,
I am in a pub quiz night,who did the song "Tiger Feet"?
wait for the reply,(hopefully "Mud"),then you can text back,
That's right,That's right.That's right.That's right!!!

Can you go back to drinking mate?

arseofacrow wrote:

Rugby Gooner wrote:Here is one to try on your mates:-
Text them,
I am in a pub quiz night,who did the song "Tiger Feet"?
wait for the reply,(hopefully "Mud"),then you can text back,
That's right,That's right.That's right.That's right!!!

Can you go back to drinking mate?

Something NEAT perhaps

Today is "International Womens Day."
It was actually supposed to have been held yesterday,but they took too long to get ready!!!

my wife went to the doctors with an itchy fanny, the doctor said "you have an irrating cúnt", and my wife replied "yeah, he's outside, sitting in the car"

"Mum's really clever, you know," says Little Johnny to his dad. "She thinks really fast."

"What makes you say that, Johnny?" says his dad.

"I saw her this morning and if she hadn't bent over so quickly the postman would have pissed all over the kitchen floor."

A sign of a changing world yesterday; I saw someone proudly displaying a gay welsh flag. It's great to see that in this day and age, people aren't ashamed of being Welsh.


I'm really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

My family and I were at a friend's house for a barbecue when it started to rain.

My son moaned, "The rain is wet."

My friend laughed and said, "Talk about stating the obvious!"

"He's always doing that," my wife said. "I don't know who he gets it from..." she laughed, pointing in my direction.

After a few seconds, I turned to my friend and said, "He gets it from me."