LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Warm up on the pitch. Run out with a flag. Line up with the team. Have a minutes silence. Stand with Ukraine. Then Take the knee. Applaud for the fan who died.

It's like a fucking Black Lace record.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

According to official sources, Japan recorded its hottest ever days last week at a maximum of 106f.

I dispute that. August 6th & 9th 1945

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm sorry for poking fun at Paralympians.

It's just my prosthetic attempt at a joke

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

'...I joined a Carpenter's class the other day. We haven't made anything yet.

We've only just begun.'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Today is International Women's Day so I told the wife to have a lie-in this morning.

Waiting a extra half hour for my breakfast is a small sacrifice to make.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife claimed she was late coming home tonight because she was ambushed by a group of elderly men who pinned her down and repaired her shoes.
Sounds like a load of old cobblers to me.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I don't take anything serious in the newspaper, except for fish and chips.

And even that I take with a pinch of salt.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I hug my girlfriend really tight after sex.

That way she deflates quicker.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Why did the bigamist cross the road?

To get to the other bride.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My friend has two children: One has learning difficulties and the other has bulimia.

As a family they've really been through thick and thin.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I just failed my RAF entrance exam.

Apparently 'the bombay doors' are NOT an Indian tribute band.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I just failed my RAF entrance exam.

Apparently 'the bombay doors' are NOT an Indian tribute band.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The missus said she was leaving me because I keep talking like a news reader.

More on that story later.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Sometimes I call the number on missing dog posters and just bark!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wifes always bragging that she can get a whole bottle of bathroom cleaner up her snatch '

flash cunnt ,