LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread
- OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread
And the bell goes again apparently for a Fire Alarm Drill... when they all get back to the classroom there is still time for one more question and Natalia puts up her hand and says "Where is Misha?" and why are your flies open Mr President?
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread
I gave up Chinese takeaways after Covid and now I've given up Vodka because of the Russians.
If Colombia invade anyone, I'm fucked.
If Colombia invade anyone, I'm fucked.
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread
I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.
It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.
It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread
Prince Andrew is praying his mother survives Covid.
Till the cheque clears anyway
Till the cheque clears anyway
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread
03.00hrs GMT Russia invades Ukraine
03.01hrs GMT France surrenders
03.01hrs GMT France surrenders
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread
'...Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a Bouncer.'
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread
Russia have been axed from the Eurovision Song Contest as they would 'bring the competition into disrepute'.
And they'll still get more votes than the UK.
And they'll still get more votes than the UK.
- OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread
Some good uns there Lefty...
- DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote: ↑Fri Mar 11, 2022 9:04 pm03.00hrs GMT Russia invades Ukraine
03.01hrs GMT France surrenders
Cheese eating Surrender Monkeys!
- OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread
slight adjustment there mate!DB10GOONER wrote: ↑Fri Mar 11, 2022 10:42 pmLeftfootlegendGooner wrote: ↑Fri Mar 11, 2022 9:04 pm03.00hrs GMT Russia invades Ukraine
03.01hrs GMT France surrenders
SMELLY Cheese eating Surrender Monkeys!
Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread
Little Johnny comes home from school.
"Mum, mum, I learned two new words today from the big boys at school, pussy and bitch, what do they mean?"
"You'd better go ask your Dad"
"Dad, dad, mum says to ask you what the words pussy and bitch mean?"
Dad gets an old porno mag out and opens it at the centrefold. He draws a red circle round the girl's crotch.
"That, son, is pussy".
"Thanks Dad, what about 'bitch?"
"Everything outside the circle, son."
"Mum, mum, I learned two new words today from the big boys at school, pussy and bitch, what do they mean?"
"You'd better go ask your Dad"
"Dad, dad, mum says to ask you what the words pussy and bitch mean?"
Dad gets an old porno mag out and opens it at the centrefold. He draws a red circle round the girl's crotch.
"That, son, is pussy".
"Thanks Dad, what about 'bitch?"
"Everything outside the circle, son."
- DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread
Block93 wrote: ↑Tue Mar 15, 2022 11:45 amLittle Johnny comes home from school.
"Mum, mum, I learned two new words today from the big boys at school, pussy and bitch, what do they mean?"
"You'd better go ask your Dad"
"Dad, dad, mum says to ask you what the words pussy and bitch mean?"
Dad gets an old porno mag out and opens it at the centrefold. He draws a red circle round the girl's crotch.
"That, son, is pussy".
"Thanks Dad, what about 'bitch?"
"Everything outside the circle, son."
- corkbarry1
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread
Donald Trump has a heart attack and dies.
He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Donald thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water.
He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Donald.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Donald saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
farmer had a wife who nagged him endlessly. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any peace was when he was out ploughing with his old mule.
One day, out in the fields, his wife brought him lunch as usual & began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.
Suddenly, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, catching her on the back of the head, killing her stone dead.
At the funeral several days later, the Vicar noticed something odd.
When a female mourner approached the farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
After the funeral, the Vicar asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with the men.
The farmer said, 'Well, the women came up and said something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'.
He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Donald thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room.
In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water.
He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Donald.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Donald saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
farmer had a wife who nagged him endlessly. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any peace was when he was out ploughing with his old mule.
One day, out in the fields, his wife brought him lunch as usual & began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.
Suddenly, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, catching her on the back of the head, killing her stone dead.
At the funeral several days later, the Vicar noticed something odd.
When a female mourner approached the farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
After the funeral, the Vicar asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with the men.
The farmer said, 'Well, the women came up and said something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'.
Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread
Bloke at the pub with his missus and some drunk guy starts talking to him, whilst he's up at the bar getting the drinks.
'Brings back some memories this place. First time I've been back here since I emigrated 20 years ago. Remember having the worst fucking shag ever with some fat old scrubber, down that filthy alleyway round the back.
Bloke goes back to his missus.
'What was that guy talking to you about then?'
'He said he thought he knew you, dear.'
'Brings back some memories this place. First time I've been back here since I emigrated 20 years ago. Remember having the worst fucking shag ever with some fat old scrubber, down that filthy alleyway round the back.
Bloke goes back to his missus.
'What was that guy talking to you about then?'
'He said he thought he knew you, dear.'