LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
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corkbarry1
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry1 »

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed…

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. ‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met’.

She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,’ he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’

‘Yes, I remember’ said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?’

‘I remember that, too’ she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said “I would have gotten out today.”

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corkbarry1
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry1 »

As we're relaying very very old mortuary jokes...

Man dies and attractive wife turns up in the mortuary to bid her last farewell , but the mortuary attendant approached the widow and said that "It's a bit awkward but we can't close the coffin lid - your husband was well endowed and died with an erection"
"Well I've no bother about you cutting it off said the widow". The attendant said that because of Christian tenets they'd have to bury the entire body but they'd see what they could do.

A while later the attendant comes out and says "We've removed your husband's erection and have discretely placed it in his bottom so the entire body is buried together"

The Widow goes back in and notices a small tear has emerged in the corner of the corpse's eye, and she leans over and whispers in the corpse's ear "I told you anal f**ken hurt!"

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

The missus and I decided to take an organised coach trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.
It didn't start well when the coach we where travelling on broke down a few miles east of the capital.
We were stranded in a third world dump with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all other women had head to toe burqas.
We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Dave the organiser, suddenly remembered that Bethnal Green had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey....

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

Postman wrote:
Wed Oct 06, 2021 1:13 pm
The missus and I decided to take an organised coach trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.
It didn't start well when the coach we where travelling on broke down a few miles east of the capital.
We were stranded in a third world dump with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all other women had head to toe burqas.
We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Dave the organiser, suddenly remembered that Bethnal Green had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey....
:shock:

Ooohhhhh get your tin hat on, mate. We are gonna get complaints from the joke police on here....

:lol: :wink:

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

Postman wrote:
Wed Oct 06, 2021 1:13 pm
The missus and I decided to take an organised coach trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.
It didn't start well when the coach we where travelling on broke down a few miles east of the capital.
We were stranded in a third world dump with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all other women had head to toe burqas.
We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Dave the organiser, suddenly remembered that Bethnal Green had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey....
Pwaper Nawty Dat Iz My Son - Bet der Woz Claret Everywhere...

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corkbarry1
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry1 »

3 bodies are in Hospital the mortuary all with smiles on their faces. The Porter asks the Attendant, "why are they all smiling?" The Attendant says, "1st guy died of heart attack while making love to his wife, hence the smile. 2nd guy won the lottery, spent it on whiskey and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile. 3rd guy is a Spurs fan and was struck by lightening" The Porter asks,"why the feck was he smiling?" The coroner replies,"He thought he was having his photo taken!"

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corkbarry1
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry1 »

Harry is going really well on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK Harry, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers, was it:
A. Ronnie Biggs
B. Ronnie O'Sullivan
C. Ronnie Corbett
D. Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Harry: I'll take the money, Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Harry: I'm sure Chris, I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Harry I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Harry: I know the answer, Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Harry: I may be mental Chris and follow Spurs but I'm no grass.

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't come back?

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corkbarry1
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry1 »

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

Solskjaer:"Truthfull y, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Manager of Manchester United”.

Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Solskjaer: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Solskjaer but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Solskjaer,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

Solskjaer stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Solskjaer?”

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

My wife as left me after i blew all our savings on a penis extension, she's left me a note saying, "She can't take it any longer!

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

OneBardGooner wrote:
Tue Oct 19, 2021 5:16 pm
What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't come back?


Lost. :lol:

BOOM ! BOOM!


Image

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corkbarry1
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry1 »

Last night I was woken by 6 Spurs players outside my house playing football with a hedgehog. I was absolutely disgusted and just about to phone the ISPCA when the hedgehog went a goal up!

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

corkbarry1 wrote:
Thu Nov 11, 2021 10:40 am
Last night I was woken by 6 Spurs players outside my house playing football with a hedgehog. I was absolutely disgusted and just about to phone the ISPCA when the hedgehog went a goal up!
I bet that made them Bristle ! :D

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

A woman had a dog which was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog while they were away on holiday.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart:
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erect!on and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" She asked with suspicion.
"It just worked on me." He replied.. :D

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Midz
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

OneBardGooner wrote:
Tue Oct 19, 2021 5:16 pm
What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick. :D :D

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