The Gooner Forum

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote: ↑

Fri Dec 23, 2022 1:46 pm

My Grandad hanged himself on Christmas Day.

Out of respect, we didn't take him down until the 6th of January.

Top quality

A mate of mine bought his brother a signed picture of Harry Kane for his pub............

He's only gone and put it over the bar!!

Peter had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys fifty acres of land in Alaska as far away from humanity as possible...
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month... Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door... He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..."
"Great", says Peter, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you...!"
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking."
"Not a problem," says Peter. "After twenty five years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too."
"Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex too."
"Now that's really not a problem!" says Peter, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

If a Picture Paints a Thousand Words Then Why Can't People Read My Garage Door Sign saying" PLEASE DO NOT PARK IN FRONT OF THE GARAGE DOORS YOU CUN.TS" ?????

My wife accused me of achieving nothing so I told her, 'Well I won the Leslie Nielson award at school.'

'What's that?', she said.

'It's a big building with kids in it.'

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

Sometimes she would orgasm three or four times a night.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

They say that the vehicle you drive says a lot about your sexual preferences.

Which is why I'm buying an Ice Cream van.

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday

Can you please stop calling my new phone?

Shamima Begum is said to have contemplated suicide after yesterday's high court ruling.

She said "I'd started making the vest and everything!"

Free to a good home.
Sooty, Sweep and Sue glove puppets.

No cash wanted, I just want to get them off my hands..

I was going to patent a method for reusing tea bags, but Tetley have taken out a restraining order against me.

The wife and I have just been to the cinema to see that film 'Suffragette'.

Two hours of a woman's struggle... full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration....

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car, we rushed in and caught the end credits.

I know what I'm having for dinner tonight.

Swan.

Is it to early too make a joke about the Turkey earthquake or wait till the dust settles?