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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Wed May 20, 2020 11:38 am
by LeftfootlegendGooner
I think I'll ask my dad if that offer to slap me into next year is still available.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Wed May 20, 2020 11:42 am
by LeftfootlegendGooner
Do you ever think about somebody else when we're making love?" my wife asked.

Shocked, I said. 'Why would you ask me that?"

"Because you have VR glasses on," she replied.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Wed May 20, 2020 11:46 am
by LeftfootlegendGooner
I was the first person to install trampolines in musician's tour buses.... ...

now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Thu May 21, 2020 12:22 pm
by DB10GOONER
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Wed May 20, 2020 11:26 am
A man in Saudi Arabia has been caught stealing hand sanitiser.

He won't need it now.
:lol: :lol:

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Thu May 21, 2020 12:23 pm
by DB10GOONER
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Wed May 20, 2020 11:31 am
Ryanair have said they will provide free compulsory face masks for their passengers.

The elastic that goes behind your ears will be 60 Euros.
Erm.... am I missing something....? Where's the joke Lefty? Surely that's just real?

:wink:

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Thu May 21, 2020 5:20 pm
by John F
I saw a really terrible Vegetarian comedian the other night.He kept telling Quorny jokes.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri May 22, 2020 1:22 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
The amount of jokes about coronavirus virus has reached worrying numbers.

Scientists claim we are in the middle of a pundemic

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri May 22, 2020 2:21 pm
by John F
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Fri May 22, 2020 1:22 pm
The amount of jokes about coronavirus virus has reached worrying numbers.

Scientists claim we are in the middle of a pundemic
:barscarf:

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri May 22, 2020 3:37 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
The wife has piled on the pounds of late, last night I came home from work and she was lying on the bed in a leopard skin print dress ....

I thought it was Fred Flintstone

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri May 22, 2020 3:39 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
If modern society has taught us anything, it's that the less a person is qualified to have an opinion

The more likely she is to express it

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri May 22, 2020 3:40 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
Find a penny,
Pick it up,
And all day long You'll have good luck.*

*Advice not valid in prison showers

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Fri May 22, 2020 3:40 pm
by LeftfootlegendGooner
A mate of mine believes that the Earth is flat. I challenged him to prove it by walking off the edge...

He eventually came around.

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Sat May 23, 2020 11:34 am
by Postman
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the f*ckin darts team hadn't!

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Sat May 23, 2020 1:20 pm
by StuartL
Went to the local estate agents and told him I was looking for a property with old period features.






Or the wife as she prefers to be called.







(Poetic licence used as I am happily divorced)

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Posted: Sun May 24, 2020 10:50 am
by IW8Goalmachine
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Wed May 20, 2020 11:23 am
Not all fat people are jolly.

Some are feminists.
:lol: